In the months leading up to your new arrival, you probably find that you and your partner enjoy whiling away the nights blissfully imagining a life post-birth - all the wonderful things you’ll do together, what travelling adventures you’ll take them on, what instruments you’ll introduce them to, what stories you’ll read them, and how you can best support them to feel safe to share whatever’s on their mind and hearts.

But no matter how fun, exciting and blissful those late-night conversations are about becoming new parents, they do little to prepare you for not only parenting your newborn but also fostering and nurturing your relationship post-birth.

Your relationship will quite literally change overnight - it may feel as though you have become two different people with two different identities.

To support you with this monumental life change, we would like to suggest 10 guiding principles – as laid out by Kara Hoppe and Stan Tatkin in their bestselling book, The Baby Bomb – which will give you some insight into how a baby impacts your relationship and the important factors to consider.

Before we go through the 10 principles, we’d like to name a few areas of your life that a new baby can impact. As Hoppe and Tatkin suggest, you may, as you read through these, want to rate each area on a scale of 1 to 10 (where 1 = little impact and 10 = strong impact).

Whether you are hoping to be parents, parents-to-be, or already parents, you may wish to discuss your thoughts and feelings with your partner about each area of impact, exploring which feels most relevant and how you may choose to deal with it.

We encourage you not to label the level of impact in each area as good or bad, positive or negative but simply observe with curiosity.

Areas of your life that may get impacted after the birth of your baby:

The birth mum’s body.
Your sleep life.
Your partner’s sleep life.
Your moods and emotions.
Your partner’s emotions.
Your exercise routine.
Your partner’s exercise routine.
Your self-care practice.
Your partner’s self-care practice.
Your work.
Your partner’s work.
Your creativity and hobbies.
Your friendships.
Your partner’s friendships.
Your relationship and role in your family.
Your partner’s relationship and role in their family.
Money.
Your priorities and responsibilities.
Your partner’s priorities and responsibilities.
Your and your partner’s ability to have privacy for sex.
Your desire to have sex.
Your partner’s desire to have sex.

We believe that successful partnering is the first step for couples who want to be successful parents.

These 10 guiding principles are designed to help you and your partner find each other in the midst of chaos and to see your experience through fresh eyes.

10 principles for couples to consider when navigating the impact of a new baby

Your relationship comes first

This may seem counterintuitive for new parents – Should the relationship really come before the baby? Yes! It has to. Your relationship with each other is the foundation of your parenting success. You and your partner must agree to put the relationship first before anything else in your life, and yes, before the baby. The following principles all support this fundamental principle.

You and your partner prioritise taking care of yourselves and each other

It’s important that you and your partner stay attuned to your own and one another’s nervous systems, learning to soothe or energise each other when needed. This is absolutely crucial when faced with the inevitable stress that parenthood brings.

You and your partner make healthy agreements with each other that you both respect

This means communicating honestly and openly and creating new agreements to maintain your commitment to each other and to the relationship.

You and your partner make decisions as a team

There is nothing more important when it comes to parenting than staying on the same team. This means discussing decisions and consulting each other when it comes to family and baby matters.

You and your partner value your own and each other’s needs

Both your own and your partner's needs are equally important. This means communicating clearly with each other about your needs and listening to and understanding your partner’s needs.

You and your partner co-regulate

Just because you’ve had a baby, it doesn’t mean your self-care practice has to go out the window! In fact, more than ever, it’s important that you both maintain a diligent self-care practice to help stabilise and regulate your nervous system. You will both need to support each other with this.

You and your partner keep your family and work lives in balance

It's up to you and your partner to make sure that having a baby doesn’t disrupt your family-work balance.

You and your partner commit to keeping romance alive

It’s natural that your sex life may dwindle after having a baby. This is why it’s important to take some time away from baby duties to reconnect with each other and nourish your relationship.

You and your partner fight for you both to win

Make a commitment to quickly resolve and heal any hurt and look for a solution that benefits both of you. You are on the same team, remember? Try to be aware of when you find yourself in a competition of “who’s right?”

You and your partner parent and treat the relationship with sensitivity, respect and trust

You both commit to maintaining a safe and secure partnership that continues to honour each other's feelings and needs.

These principles offer an opportunity to practise recommitting to your relationship. You will screw up! That’s normal and to be expected! But it’s your continual recommitment to having a healthy, connected relationship that is key to a successful partnership and therefore successful parenting.

10 principles for couples to consider when navigating the impact of a new baby

Can you stay in love after a baby? Unii has some food for thought.