You decide to do something different and try out a new recipe to cook for your family. You’ve been feeling like you want to get back to your ‘old self’ again, so you’re determined to get back on track by doing something spontaneous and creative. What a mistake! About the same time as the dinner starts burning, your newborn wakes up prematurely from their nap, and your toddler has a tantrum and throws every utensil they can find at your neatly laid dinner table. While all this is happening, you drop your phone into the saucepan and burn your hand on the oven door. With a broken phone covered in sauce, a kitchen that looks like a bomb site, and a dinner that’s ruined, you sit on the floor and have no choice but to break down and sob at the sheer overwhelm of this domino of disastrous events.

Welcome to survival mode!

Every parent, at one point or another, will experience a meltdown moment like this; the moments where you feel like you’re completely drowning; where you don’t feel like you can do anything and where you feel like a failure. We know these moments very well, and we’re here to tell you that they are completely normal! And you’re not alone!

Before we look at how you can navigate survival mode, let’s explore some things you may feel at a time like this.

What does survival mode feel like:

The world is collapsing
Everything is going wrong
You’re a complete failure and a rubbish parent
You haven’t felt like yourself in a long time
You want to give up
Intense overwhelm
Parenting isn’t as easy as it’s felt previously
Everything is too much
You wish you never became a parent
You’re going to die!

Remember, these feelings are absolutely normal! Now we’ve explored what survival mode feels like, let’s take a look at what you can do when you’re slap bang in the middle of one of these challenging moments.

What to do in survival mode:

Pause. Stop what you’re doing and take a moment to breathe.
Give yourself so much grace as you navigate this challenging time. What do you need the most right now? Have a cup of tea, read a book, and go for a walk. Breathe in some fresh air.
Make peace with the mess. Get a takeaway instead of cooking, leave the housework for another time and let go of any extra obligations.
Let go of all your ideas of ‘shoulds and shouldn'ts’. Ignore everything you’ve heard on social media or anything that your friends may have told you about how to parent and embrace this challenging moment as best you can.
Realise that this doesn’t mean you’ve given up on life and you’re doomed to a life of chaotic misery. Cut yourself some slack! This is a normal part of parenting so try your best to make peace with where you are.
Weather the storm. It’s OK not to be OK. Don’t try to get rid of the feeling or speed it up. Embrace it! Love yourself through it.
Know that it will pass. Not every day is the same. There will be days you wish the ground would swallow you whole and other days when you’ll feel like you’re surfing the parenting wave like a pro. Surf those waves. You’ve got this.
Reach out to people you care about and ask them to be a shoulder to cry on without them trying to “fix” anything.
Find the humour in it. Sometimes within a meltdown moment, so much disaster happens, it’s almost ridiculous. Finding the humour when we’re at rock bottom can bring about a huge shift.

Allow yourself to break down and cry. Allowing yourself to feel what you’re feeling and release the emotion can help you move through this challenging time into a place of peace.
Do less. Go for a walk. Meditate. Breathe. Just stop.
Never be ashamed of feeling powerless in tough times.
Normalise survival mode! Let go of unnecessary pressure and expectations of parenting.
Move your needs to the top of the “to-do” list. Self-care is essential when you’re in survival mode.

Now let’s take a look at when you’re likely to experience survival mode.

Times that can activate survival mode:

During morning sickness
Anytime throughout pregnancy
After childbirth
Moving house
If you or any of your family are sick
Milestones in yours and your child’s life like your child going to school
During a global pandemic
Having a lot on your plate

How do I learn to love survival mode?

It's never anyone's dream state but every parent's been there, says Unii.