When did you and your partner start talking about having a baby? Do you know if he or she wants children? How many? What faith, diet, and values would you choose to expose them to? Would your other half say the same? In love, it may be true that opposites attract, but parents need to unite on so many fronts that communicating with each other about parenting needs to happen long before you conceive. Your lives will never be the same after a baby arrives, and even if your romantic relationship does not survive, you will always be co-parents. It is vital to be open and communicate properly.

You know your partner better, but we have some ideas that might help you both communicate about parenting.

Start talking early

If it’s difficult for you to begin a conversation about babies, try blaming your parents. They want grandchildren and bring them up whenever you visit, call, or have a birthday. What does your partner think?

Be honest

Do you have strong feelings about the number of children you want? Or the church or school you’d like them to attend? Don’t wait until you know you are pregnant before asking how your partner feels. Parenting will come with a lot of challenges and conversations. If you know something is a ‘red line’ or a ‘dealbreaker’ for you, raise it early and see how you and your partner might navigate it.

Listen actively

The term ‘active listening’ can sound like therapy-speak, which isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but it just means showing someone you love respect, giving them your full attention, and listening to what they’re saying without interrupting. It is a very easy way to build trust and make them feel supported.

Stay supportive

If you become parents, you and your partner will hopefully be on the same team for years to come. It will benefit everyone if you’re mutually supportive. Take the lead by backing your partner's thoughts and feelings about parenthood when you discuss them in company as well as alone. You may have different expectations or concerns, but it is important to show him or her that, overall, you are aligned. The foundation you build before your family starts will help provide a stable and nurturing environment for your child to develop.

Air your concerns

Becoming a parent for the first time can be frightening. You or your partner may have had prior experiences with family that you need to work through before you’re ready to start one of your own. Once you know what your fears are, you can potentially reassure one another and maybe even work on a plan to overcome them together.

Discuss parenting styles

“But how can I have a parenting style when I don’t have any children?” you may ask. Well, maybe you can’t, but conflicting ideas about how a child should be raised—discipline, boundaries, etc.—can cause problems down the road. It is hard to see what you can agree upon before a baby arrives. Again, starting early and being proactive can be very helpful. And while you are thinking proactively,

Make a plan.

Get together and put everything down on paper. Keeping fertility, family, career, and other restrictions in mind, what is the best time for you to get pregnant? Will you schedule the birth? How will you reorganise your lives to accommodate parenting? Understanding what will work best for both of you reaffirms your commitment to starting this journey as a team. It lets the mum-to-be know she won’t be alone and helps the non-birthing partner feel like more of an active participant.

How do I communicate with my partner about parenthood?

What if your partner doesn’t want children? Here are communication tips from Unii’s Preconception Journey.