Have you ever wondered whether you have a parenting style? What kind of parent you are? Are you a parent who pushes your kids to join all the teams at school, learn every instrument under the sun and constantly check to see if they’ve done their homework? Or are you very laid back, allowing your kids to roam around the neighbourhood on their own and eat dinner anytime they like? Or do you hold onto them tightly, concerned even if they play out in the garden for too long? In other words, do you resonate more with attachment parenting or detachment parenting?

Those of you who aren’t a fan of labels, we totally get it! Parenting is, after all, about what you do, not what you label it. So perhaps simply see these labels as something that brings awareness to your approach to parenting. Maybe you resonate more with one style or a mixture of the above parenting styles. There are so many different approaches to parenting and none of them is right or wrong. How you decide to raise your kids is up to you.

Whether you choose to breastfeed your child until they are two (attachment parenting) or sleep train (detachment parenting), as parents, you are always making important decisions for your children based on what you believe to be true and what feels good for you and your family.

Let’s take a look at some important questions you may like to consider as a parent.

What questions are helpful to consider when approaching my style of parenting?

A few questions to consider include:

How much support are you going to give your children when it comes to learning new skills?
How much will you involve yourself in their day-to-day decision-making?
How much physical freedom will your children have to come and go from your home, and at what age?
What is your expectation of your child when it comes to independent life skills and when do you expect them to reach/achieve them?

You could be parents that prioritise independence but still sit with your child to do their maths homework. Or you could have a more, involved “hands-on” approach but still allow them to go out on their own every now and again. As we mentioned earlier, there is no “one size fits all” approach, but the point we’re getting at is that as parents, it’s about making individual decisions and consciously choosing what is best for you, your kids and your family.

So let’s take a look at the idea of independence and how much support is healthy. You may wonder - how much is too much freedom and independence? We’d like to explore this with you.

Let’s first take a look at the benefit of encouraging independence.

What is the benefit of letting children be independent?

Leaning into independence as parents can be hard! When your two children under five ask to cook for themselves, you know the mess that would ensue and the very long time it would take for them to make their food. So, a lot of patience is required when leaning into allowing independence.

Many authors argue that more recent generations are less capable and independent because they have been overly fussed over or “over-protected” by their parents, which means they are less able to make their own decisions and fend for themselves. Studies conclude that essentially, parents who think they are setting their children up for success are actually setting them up for failure.

If kids are less able to deal with things themselves, because their parents have always helped them with everything, then when they leave home, they won’t be able to look after themselves: for example, get up in the morning for class or cook healthy meals for themselves.

Now let’s take a look at the positives of parental involvement.

What’s good about parental involvement?

Studies show that parents who “coached” their child (listened to their child read out loud, for example) raised better readers with a higher IQ. But these studies point to the importance of parental attitudes and encouragement, not specific help with homework. So yes, listening to your child read out loud is supportive for their development, but making their science project for them while they’re asleep isn’t!

All in all, parental involvement is a good thing and research shows how children who get more support from their parents have a more positive life experience.

But, when can parental involvement be detrimental?

If your parenting style involves checking up on your child to see if they've done their homework, doing their homework for them, or even reaching out to teachers to see how you can support your child more, this may pose a problem for your child as they get older. Studies show that when kids go to college after being parented in this way, they have less autonomy and are less able to connect with their peers. One study of 300 college students found that students who perceived their parents to be heavily involved were more likely to become depressed. Of course, we are talking about perception here and perhaps not factual evidence that parents were too involved. And you also have to take into account how much these kids like their parents, which will have influenced their response.

But what we want to bring your attention to is the light and shade of all parenting styles and that, while involving yourself in your child's life is helpful and supportive, at some point, they will have to fly on their own – as hard as that is to contemplate.

Of course, you want the best for your kids, which includes the right level of freedom and the right level of support. So ask yourself, what does that look like for me?

Do I (and should I) have a parenting style?

Unii tackles this hotly debated question.