There are lots of ways to bond with your baby in the neonatal unit. You may feel unsettled by the environment, worry about doing the wrong thing, or even fear your baby may die. However, as things progress, staff will be trained to support and encourage bonding. No matter how ill or premature, your baby will attempt to communicate with you from their earliest days. They will come to understand and recognise a responsive parent, and your bond will grow. Let’s look at some things you might do.

Give them kangaroo care.

Kangaroo care with mum and/or dad is extremely important for a premature baby. This fascinating technique was developed, in part, through the desperation of a paediatrician working in an underfunded, overcrowded neonatal unit. Dr. Edgar Rey had a hunch about marsupials. In 1978, he read a paper about how newborn baby kangaroos, born bald and very premature, receive thermal regulation in their mother’s pouch and nourishment from her nipple until they are strong enough to survive outside. With premature baby death rates spiralling and some traumatised mothers abandoning their newborns without ever touching them, he decided to trial Kangaroo Mother Care in the institute where he worked in Bogota. There is now a dedicated KMC unit at the San Ignacio Hospital in the city, and kangaroo care's proven benefits are enjoyed in neonatal units around the world. If your baby is well enough, the nurses will support you in learning the technique, which simply involves putting your baby down the front of your top in a firm, upright position and cuddling them skin-to-skin as you sit or walk around.

Kangaroo care is great for bonding and will help your baby settle and slow their pulse. Some units have a bandeau top to support your baby in this position (dad can wear it too!), and if your baby needs tubes or wires attached to them for medical reasons, the nurses may tape them to you to help them stay put. In general, however, this is something only a baby’s parents can do and will help give you confidence with them and make you feel closer as a family.

Try hand containment.

Sometimes, when your baby is very ill, you are not able to cuddle them to your chest. You can still hold and soothe them with your hands. Hand containment is an effective way of keeping your baby’s body tucked. It is sometimes called hand hugging or hand swaddling and involves placing gentle pressure on the arms, legs, head, and/or bottom. With your baby lying on their back, put one hand gently on the head and the other gently on the tummy or around the feet. This works as a bonding exercise, and you may be allowed to do it to calm them when they are undergoing something stressful.

Learn your baby’s cues.

Your baby is already talking to you! The medical staff often chats with premature newborns in the unit, but some new parents are surprised to learn that their babies are listening, too. As you and your baby get to know each other, their cues will become familiar. You’ll understand that they are soothed when their breathing becomes regular and their pulse settles. It’s normal for premature babies to sleep more than babies born at term—as many as twenty hours a day—and you can expect some yawning. They’ll let you know they dislike something by grimacing, crying, hiccuping, or jerking their limbs. Remarkably, even sedated babies react when stressed, tensing up and breathing erratically.

Use the power of their senses.

No matter how premature your baby is, their senses are developing, and they will respond positively to your attempts to engage them. Sing to them, if you feel comfortable. It’s never too early to talk and read to them. Reading to premature babies has proven beneficial, even in the very early days, including supporting their speech and language development in the first two years. They love to hear your voice, which they will recognise from the time they are in the womb. Their skin is extremely sensitive to touch, and they can never have too many cuddles. You can massage and stroke them, hold their hands, and gently dance around with them in your arms. A premature baby’s sight is usually the last sense to develop, and continuous bright light should be avoided. Try to engage with them face-to-face as often as possible, and don’t worry if their eyes are not centred. This is common and something they’ll usually grow out of; their eyes will be checked and monitored for anything serious. Show them picture books and family photos. Your smell will be extremely familiar and soothing to them from birth, especially if they are so premature they cannot yet open their eyes. Your smell or voice alone may even stop them from crying. Record your voice or put a muslin or soft toy down your top, then leave it in the incubator, so you can make them comfortable when you can’t be with them.

Participate in everyday care.

It is natural to feel uncomfortable seeing nurses attend to your baby in a way you would do as an independent parent if they weren’t in the hospital. When your baby is well enough, you should be allowed to clean, change, and even bathe them as you would any other newborn. Even if you need to approach these activities differently for a while (you may need to change nappies through the porthole of the incubator, for example), your baby will know by your smell and the sound of your voice that it is you who is caring for them.

How can I bond with my premature baby in hospital?

Unii's Premature Baby Journey covers kangaroo care, hand containment and more.