Your child can be a bit demanding sometimes. That’s okay, most children are! But you’ve noticed that your little one likes to be in control of, well, everything! Constantly bossing people around, not following house rules, and just generally trying to get control over everyone. You wonder - Is this normal? Are there ways I can curb my child’s bossy behaviour?

Sometimes it’s easy to dismiss a child’s controlling behaviour as something they’ll grow out of naturally. We all know someone who was a ‘bossy boots' as a child - you might’ve even been one yourself! But children who display controlling behaviour might run into problems when they get a bit older. As a parent you can navigate this behaviour, but what about when they arrive at school? Using these solutions and strategies, you can help your child shake off these controlling habits and give them the tools they need to start socialising at school. Plus, it will reduce pressure and stress overall!

So before we take a look at why your child might be showing signs of controlling behaviour, let’s explore what controlling behaviour actually looks like.

What is controlling behaviour?

If your child starts showing these habits, they might be developing controlling behaviour:

Giving adults instructions.

Ordering other children around.

General bossiness and rudeness.

Physically blocking entrances and exits, to you and to others.

Resisting house rules and sanctions.

Rearranging items that someone has set down.

Why is my child doing this?

There are many factors to consider when searching for the reasons children display this type of behaviour. A major factor is trying to take control away from the adult in this situation. This can stem from potentially fearing negative outcomes if an adult is ‘in charge’.

They might have a strong aversion to transitions, especially ones that they are not in charge of. This stems from a fear of losing control of their time and how they want to use it.

If a child feels they are lacking attention, this is usually the quickest way to get a reaction from an adult, or indeed other children. Once they know certain behaviours trigger quick reactions, positive or negative, children tend to try to re-enact these behaviours as much as possible.

A child might simply need to develop their empathy a bit more. We like to think of empathy as an inherent trait, but it’s a skill and understanding that children need to be guided through.

Before we get started on our strategies, let’s go over a helpful way to look at controlling behaviour.

How can I prevent controlling behaviour?

Rather than dismissing a child as being too controlling, try to look at it from their perspective. After all, we were all children once! Instead of thinking that a child is too controlling, think of them as being cautious and wary. If the control is out of their hands, who knows what bad situations could happen! Of course, from an adult’s point of view, this can be seen as only a minor problem, but from a child’s perspective it can be a scary situation that needs to be controlled at all costs.

Right from the start, you can establish a strong routine. This shows your child that you are in control. As the routine becomes more regular, the child should start feeling more secure knowing what they’re doing and at what times.

When establishing house rules, make it clear who does what in each role. For example, tell them, “when watching the TV, the parent has the remote. You can ask me what channel you want to change to” or “when we are driving, the driver is in control of the music. You can ask what song you want to listen to.” This shows that whilst the child has the freedom to change their environment, the parent is in control.

Controlling children can benefit from a lot of visual aids like wall charts and calendars that detail the day's schedule, preferably where the child can see it independently. However, make sure that they cannot alter it, so keep it out of reach. You don’t want to suddenly find out your child has decided that today’s schedule is watching TV from morning till night!

Allocate spaces specifically for the child. This can range from chairs at the table, to specific seats in the car. This can be done in an encouraging and nurturing way by making the space welcoming and ensuring that there is something there that belongs to the child, such as their teddy. This gives them control over what happens in this space. It is a remarkably effective method for managing siblings as well and has helped many exhausted parents!

What can I do when they’re in the middle of controlling behaviour?

Make sure that the child knows they’re safe. Sometimes a child can overthink a situation where they’re not in complete control. However, letting them know that they’re safe whilst you’re in control can help alleviate stress and anxiety.

As difficult as it might be, do not give in to your child’s demands! Sure, it can seem like the uncomplicated way out, but they will continue to exhibit these behaviours if they see that these tactics are successful. You’ve got this!

You can think out loud to explore your child’s feelings. For example, if your child is demanding you take a different route in the car, you might say “Hmm, I wonder if you’re worried I might have forgotten the way?”. This can lead to opening up a dialogue where you can explain to your child why you’re taking this specific course of action.

This may take some practice, but learn not to show hesitation. When you’ve come to a decision, follow through with it. Children are excellent at noticing hesitancy and might get worried. Being clear and confident with your decisions can make your child feel safer and more comfortable.

What can I do after a controlling situation?

It helps to sit down with your child and explore their feelings, especially when you’re starting out with these strategies. They will not be familiar with this straight away and may need some verbal guidance to understand what’s happening. Emphasise that there’s nothing to fear when you’re in charge, and nothing bad will happen because they don’t have complete control.

Try not to apologise for the fact that you’re in control. The child will have to accept your authority, and this hesitancy might hinder their ability to do that.

Walk the child through the sequence that just happened and show them that nothing went wrong. For example, “We didn’t end up taking the route you wanted, but we made it to the park with plenty of time for fun!”.

How can I change my child's controlling behaviour?

Don't "ban bossy," just repurpose controlling behaviour with Unii's tips.