They say that you can’t make old friends, and it is normal to worry about losing them after you have a baby. As a new parent, your time and financial priorities change. Your body and mental state feel extremely different. Plus, if you know a childless friend wants children and can’t find the right partner or is struggling to conceive, you’ll worry that sharing the highs and lows of life with your baby upsets them. You’ll also be spending time in new communities, from our community here at Unii to your antenatal class (which often creates friendships that persist after birth), mummy and baby groups, church groups, as well as the wider parenting community, where you share a bond with new people and childless friends may feel unwanted or overlooked. There is no denying that life is fundamentally different with children, and relating to childless friends in the way you did before birth is a challenge. However, reconnecting with your friends—whether they have children or not—is extremely important.

The importance of nurturing your friendships as a new mum

Early parenthood can be a very isolating experience, especially if you are struggling to cope with postpartum depression, your baby is ill, your partner has to return to work earlier than you do, or if you are a single parent. People who really know you and can provide a consistent, supportive link to your life before the baby are invaluable. Things cannot be exactly as they were before, but it can be useful to remember that friendships between adults will always change; that’s what life is like, and it’s how we navigate change that determines whether our friends stay with us on the journey.

Check in with your friends after you give birth.

This one needs to be done in your own time, as we realise it won’t be your top priority. Every new mum’s recovery is different, and a real friend will be sympathetic if you don’t communicate for a bit. In addition, while some parents want friends over as soon as they return from the hospital, many others won’t even want their extended family around. Adjusting to life with a new baby is wonderful but extremely hard work. If she’s the kind of friend who can care for a newborn while you nap or shower, invite her around. If you know she will supply homecooked meals, go ahead and lean on her, at least if you know you’d do the same in her shoes. If she loves to wear white or cream, orders in, and has no experience with babies, a good telephone or video chat when the baby is asleep should be enough. You may even find it helps you feel more like yourself. As our relationship expert Natalie Mossayebi explains on our Love, Sex, and Parenting video course, you and your partner are still the same people after the birth. Just as you find each other again, you can find your friends, even if it is just to celebrate your postpartum return to drinking cocktails.

Acknowledge when you compare yourself negatively.

When a friend without children sees your social media or learns how your happy family is while preparing for Christmas, it can feel like their own time is spent on shallow and less meaningful pursuits. For your part, you may envy their freedom, how much time and money they can spend on themselves, and their more exciting social life. The grass is always greener on the other side, and admitting how you feel means you can laugh about it—and yourselves—rather than griping in silence.

Establish that you may need a “friend break” at times, but you’re not going anywhere.

Research shows that there are times in a child’s life that are especially hard on parents’ friendship. It probably won’t surprise you to learn that the toddler years, when children are most demanding, mean mum is less able to invest in the quality of her friendships. You don’t need to lose friendships at this time, and it may even help you to openly explain you can’t be the friend you once were at this time. When the kids have a more structured lifestyle—preschool, after-school activities, playdates, etc.—your personal schedule will likely increase.

The days seem long when you're a parent, but many say the years are short.

Make a list of what you loved doing together most, then plan.

You had a child, not a personality transplant, so it’s likely that you still enjoy the things you used to do with specific friends just as much. Making a list of things you want to do and putting dates in the diary—even if they’re months away—gives you something to look forward to and reassures them that you’re still committed to being their friend. It’s also important to remember that the quality of the time you spend together is more important than the length of your meetups. A Zumba class and a coffee aren’t the same as a wild night out but you’ll catch up, feel better, and have fun! You’ll also spend less on childcare, which we realise you may have to budget for in advance of any “friend date.”

Remember that your friendships are the primary example for your child’s.

Studies have shown that mothers model friendships for their children. If your friendships are volatile or absent, or they hear you complain about friends behind their backs, that’s what they’ll understand friendship to be. However, if you work on your friendships and show commitment and respect towards the people around you socially, they will understand that they should treat others the same way. Investing in your friendships isn’t just good for your mental health and wellbeing, it’s setting a fantastic example.

So that’s friends, but how about partners and husbands? Learn all about reconnecting with your partner after childbirth from Unii’s Love, Sex, and Parenting expert Natalie Mossayebi.

How can I cope with my friendships changing after a baby?

Many new mums fear they may lose friends who don't have children. Unii looks at nurturing these important relationships.