It’s been a tough day! Your little one has refused to do just about everything you have asked of them and there has been more than one tantrum along the way. Firstly, they wouldn’t eat their breakfast, which consequently ended up on the floor. Thinking a nap would help, you picked them up and popped them in their bed. But this just made things worse. So, perhaps a trip to the park? While it took an age to get them ready, you made it to the playground and all was going well until it was time to leave. A big tantrum ensued and eventually, you stayed for an extra 30 minutes before picking them up and heading home. After lunch, they fell asleep pretty quickly and you were able to get an hour of peace, but they’ve somehow woken up even more unhappy!

You can’t help but think to yourself - What’s going on? Why does it always feel like a battle of wills? Why do we so rarely get along?

Toddlers and adults see things from very different perspectives. And, because what we see and feel generally determines how we act, this can often lead to conflict. But if we can establish a partnership with our toddler, the relationship can become much more harmonious, with far fewer disagreements and tantrums. Sounds pretty good, right?

Well, before we delve into a few strategies, let’s establish what we mean by a partnership between parent and child.

What do we mean by a partnership between you and your toddler?

As a parent, it’s all too easy to find yourself switching between two roles; that of the boss and that of the servant. Though we do so to keep them safe, we often bark orders at our kids and expect them to do as we say. Or we end up the servant – picking up after them, doing our very best to keep them happy, making and getting whatever they need. When we talk about encouraging a partnership between yourself and your toddler, we’re looking to get past these notions of boss and servant and instead become their guide and friend.

But why is this so important?

Why is it important that I build and encourage a partnership with my toddler?

Building a cooperative partnership with your child helps them to feel seen, safe, and secure, ultimately improving your short and long-term relationship. This will lead to far fewer disagreements and tantrums, and a generally happier home life. Similarly, if we open ourselves up to a partnership, we’re sure to learn more than we could ever have imagined from our kids, too.

So, now that we’ve established the many benefits of a toddler-parent partnership, let’s explore how we can go about achieving it.

How do I encourage a partnership with my toddler?

Use “we” and “I need your help.” When children feel that they are working in collaboration or that you need their help, they feel seen and wanted and strive to comply. Saying “You need to get ready for bed” isolates the child, whereas “I think we should get ready for bed” encourages joint participation. “I need your help taking these things inside” will also arouse your toddler’s need to feel useful and important.

Speak clearly and calmly. Toddlers are easily distracted. When they don’t react to your voice or continue to play with their toys after you ask them to come to the table, they aren’t ignoring you. They’re simply too engrossed in whatever it is they’re doing. So make sure to meet their eyes and get their attention before clearly delivering any directions.

Explain why and what. Ask yourself whether you’d blindly follow an instruction if you couldn’t work out why you must do it. Presumably, you would not. On the other hand, if you know why you must do something and the reasoning makes sense, you’re much more likely to comply. In many ways, this is the life of a toddler. A great deal of what’s asked of them won’t make sense to them unless you can explain it in terms they’ll understand, so do so. Consider also whether your directions make sense to your toddler. Telling them to simply “be good” won’t do, as it’s far too broad.

Give a likeable alternative. Though it isn’t always possible, offering an alternative you know your toddler will enjoy can get you out of a tricky spot. “We’ll go home now, and then we can watch your favourite TV show.”

Adjust your tone of voice. When giving an important direction, use a tone that conveys meaningful conviction. “You need to come inside now. When we stand in the rain for too long, we get sick, and we don’t want that.” Similarly, an excited tone of voice will often catch your toddler’s attention and convince them to comply. “Let’s see how fast we can put our pyjamas on!”

Use humour or make a game of it. Sometimes making light of your toddler’s request or their actions can help to lighten the mood and place you both on the same side. If you can exclaim something in a fun and humorous tone, such as, “You really want to go out in your pyjamas? How funny. I can’t believe it!”, your toddler learns in a playful way what is and isn’t allowed. Similarly, wondering out loud if they can get dressed in 30 seconds makes following directions inviting and fun.

Put yourself in their shoes. Remember, toddlers don’t yet have the vocabulary to tell you exactly what they need or how they’re feeling. As a result, they may act out once in a while. Before you go about reprimanding, put yourself in their shoes and see if you can work out what it is they’re trying to communicate.

Take action. When your toddler is in danger of hurting themselves or others and nothing else works, pick them up and remove them from the situation. Stay with them until they’ve calmed down and give them a comforting hug.

Don’t use fear or guilt. Inducing fear or guilt will only harm your relationship and cause problems for you and your child later in life.

Don’t forget their virtues. When our kids misbehave, it’s easy to focus on the negatives. However, young children see in images. When they hear “Don’t run!”, they imagine running. So instead of pointing out what they shouldn’t be doing, focus on what they should be doing instead. And make sure to give plenty of praise when they exhibit appropriate behaviours!

How can I encourage a partnership with my toddler?