It’s always fun to watch your little one at play, rushing around with their friends and giggling at the silliest things. But when you see them not getting along with other children and eventually sitting all on their own, you may feel a little troubled. Yes, they can be a bit of a handful at times, but that’s true of most kids, so why is it that they're struggling to socialise, and what can you do to help?

When it comes to our kids, we want others to see them as we do, to want to talk to them and play with them and want to be their friends! But children don’t learn to socialise overnight. The process of learning to cooperate and act in a pro-social manner takes time and effort, and the help of adults. So how can we teach our kids to be cooperative, sociable people?

Before we delve into a few different strategies, let’s quickly outline why this is so important.

Why is it important to establish and maintain cooperative, pro-social behaviours?

On a basic level, cooperation is part of the human condition, something we do without thinking. We cooperate with our family members, our friends, our work colleagues, and even total strangers – moving out of someone’s way on a busy path, giving up our seat to the old lady on the bus, or holding the door open for someone as you enter a store. We get along with others for our mutual survival, but also because most of us enjoy working and playing together!

Although as adults we generally cooperate and socialise without a second thought, we weren’t born with these skills. We learnt them from our parents, our siblings, our friends, and our peers. And it’s important your child learns them too!

So, now that we have a good idea of why these qualities are so important, let’s take a look at a few strategies we can employ to help our kids cooperate with others and socialise with confidence.

How to establish and maintain cooperative and pro-social behaviours?

Speak with clarity

Children must be told very clearly what is expected of them in different situations. So, make sure any directions and rules are communicated with clarity and only when they are paying attention to you. And if they aren’t initially responding, remember that reminders come before reprimands!

Similarly, if they ask you a question to which you don’t know the answer, don’t make something up on the spot. Let them know honestly that you don’t know and then go about finding the answer together. It’s okay to not know everything!

Be positive

When we communicate with our kids, they’re much more likely to cooperate if we tell them what to do as opposed to what not to do. For example, instead of telling your child to “stop screaming”, ask them to “please speak in a voice I can understand”. When we communicate with positivity, not only do our kids feel better, we do too!

Be concise

Simple language delivered in short sentences is much more effective than a lengthy lecture full of long and difficult words. Young children have short attention spans and can only remember a few pieces of information at any one time, so keep it short!

Be consistent

When it comes to behaviour and routine, children must know where they stand. So, once you’ve laid out any expectations, do not change them on a whim, and be consistent with your directions, responses and actions.

Model good behaviour

Make sure to live by the values you expect of your children. Show them how to be kind, gentle, and considerate, and behave towards them in ways you wish them to behave towards others. If we refrain from shouting, making unreasonable demands, and using physical and psychological force to get what we want, our kids will soon follow suit.

Confidence

If we set targets that are too high, our kids might develop a fear of failure. To feel confident, children should attempt different tasks in small stages, allowing them to continually build on their successes.

We can also promote confidence in our kids by letting them see that we make mistakes too but always try to learn something from them. If making mistakes is not accepted as a part of learning, a child’s confidence can be seriously undermined.

Really try to focus on what your child can do as opposed to what they’re not doing. This will help them to feel successful as they learn and pick up new things, instilling confidence in them.

Catch them being good

By giving maximum attention to the behaviours we want to see, and minimal attention to those behaviours we don’t, we quickly and positively teach our children how to behave. So look out for good behaviour and let them know how pleased you are! This positive attention will make your child feel good about complying rather than upset from being told off, it gives them greater clarity as to what’s expected of them, and reinforces a positive relationship between you both. Make sure your praise is clear and sincere and offer plenty of hugs, high-fives and pats on the back.

Have conversations and give them choices

Talk to your kids and ask them to come up with solutions to different social dilemmas. In this way, they really internalise feelings and think about their actions and responses, rather than just do what they’re told. Children will also respond when they feel they’re given control over a situation, so give them a few different options and let them know they have a say.

How can I establish and maintain cooperative and pro-social behaviours?

Unii shares how this involves role modelling, positive reinforcement, and clear communication.