As we touched on in our article, “How do I cultivate self-esteem”, having unhealthy boundaries is almost always a reflection of low self-esteem. Unhealthy boundaries can occur in the context of people-pleasing, enabling, over-accommodating and taking responsibility for how others feel. And when you’re a mother, this is extremely easy to do! For example, agreeing to your in-laws coming over when it’s not convenient, or doing your fair share of tending to your restless baby instead of asking your partner for help. But while having poor boundaries is a normal experience for many women, it can result in power imbalances, feelings of low self-worth and feelings of resentment and anger toward those who are ‘overstepping’ our boundaries.

The opposite extreme is to have uber-strong, or rigid boundaries, which act as walls keeping people out and preventing them from being able to hurt, reject or take advantage of you.

Both weak and rigid boundaries act as masks that don’t let people see the real you. Working on your boundaries not only builds your confidence but also strengthens the connections of those around you.

Take a look at the below statements so you can decide whether you have too weak or too rigid boundaries:

Do I have too weak or too rigid boundaries?

Which of these statements show up the most in your life?

I get annoyed if people don’t listen to me.

I feel responsible for making everyone around me happy.

I often feel like I’m being taken for granted.

Other people should just know what I need and want.

I don’t want to burden or inconvenience others.

Giving and helping others makes me feel valued and worthy.

I often sacrifice my needs for others.

I tend to shut people out and don’t let others see the real me.

If others really knew me, they wouldn’t like me.

I find it hard to trust others and cut off people out of my life without giving them second chances.

I take everything personally and am very sensitive to criticism.

If you know yourself to be someone who has trouble with boundaries, it’s not uncommon for you to resonate with almost all of these! But don’t worry, we have some ways you can create healthier boundaries.

How do I create better boundaries for myself?

Practice saying “No”

Most people have a hard time saying “No”. After all, refusing requests can feel uncomfortable, especially if others are upset. But on the journey of learning to honour your needs and build self-love, it’s important to practice saying no. It’s common to want to provide a reason or excuse when saying no, but most of the time, it’s not necessary. It is absolutely fine to say no without needing to give a reason. You don’t need to justify yourself. The goal is to trust yourself and feel confident in expressing your needs to others. Here are some examples of ways you can say no without needing to give an excuse:

“No, I won’t be able to do that”

“I am not able to do that right now, but I might be able to in the future”

“Let me think about it and get back to you”

“I appreciate the invitation, however, I have plans”

“I can’t commit to that right now”

“Thank you but I won’t be able to make it”

“That doesn’t work for me”

Use boundary affirmations

Affirmations can be a great way to keep reminding yourself that you and your needs matter. Some people like to have reminders on their phones or on post-it notes stuck around their living space. Try reading them out loud in a firm voice standing tall.

Here are a few affirmations for you to try out:

“My feelings and needs are important”

“It’s okay to say no without giving a reason”

“Other people’s reactions are often a reflection of what’s going on for them and are nothing to do with me”

“I can set boundaries when I am overwhelmed”
“I deserve to be treated with kindness and respect”

“I can ask for what I want and need”

“If someone gets upset because I have asserted a boundary, that’s okay”

“The way other people respond has more to do with them than me”

“It’s okay if others don’t respond well to me asking for what I want and need”

“I do not need others to be okay with my needs and wants”

“I can be kind and get my needs met”

Of course, add your own! And keep practising!

Stop apologising

Most of us apologise more than we need to. Have you ever found yourself apologising for no reason at all? Has saying “sorry” become a bit of a habit? Do you find yourself apologising when someone brushes past you or if you’re simply asking an employee at a supermarket where the milk is? We often use an apology when it is simply not needed. So instead of saying, “I’m sorry, but where is the milk?” say, “Hi, where is the milk, please? Thank you.” Or if you accidentally brush past someone, you could simply say, “Excuse me.” And if they accidentally bumped into you, there is absolutely no need for you to apologise; there is nothing to apologise for. Apologising when you don’t have to is unnecessarily taking on blame and making yourself inferior to other people.

Use assertive communication

There are three main types of communication; passive, aggressive and assertive. Passive communication means that you don’t ask for what you need or share your feelings or opinions and you may apologise a lot. You often let other people decide what’s best for you as it’s much easier (and safer) to do what other people want. Aggressive communication is the opposite extreme, which often involves strong, loud, opinionated, intimidating and threatening behaviour. Assertive communication uses calm, kind and firm words with relaxed and confident body language. Consider how you communicate and then think of adjustments you can make to achieve an assertive communication style. If you’re usually more passive, could you stand up straighter and speak a bit more loudly and clearly? If you’re a bit more aggressive in your communication, could you speak a little bit more softly and listen more?

Final thoughts

Asserting boundaries takes time. Commit to taking one baby step a day in the direction of having healthier boundaries. This will not only increase your self-esteem and confidence but your relationships will feel so much more authentic and connected. The bonus of asserting boundaries is that you'll begin to feel more and more like the real you in your life and relationships. And there’s nothing more freeing than that!

How can I have better boundaries?

Unii shares how to set them and stick to them.