Your little one is starting at a new school in less than a week, and they’re not happy about it. They’re clearly very anxious about this big transition and nothing you say seems to help. What’s more, they’re distressed by little changes too, getting upset when they’re expected to stop playing at lunch, crying when you have to do a quick trip to the store, and hiding when a new friend comes over for a playdate. You start to wonder - What’s going on? And what can be done?

Change is difficult for all, but for young children who rely so heavily on their routine and environment, transition can be especially challenging. However, change is a part of life and can often be a really good thing, so it is important to help our children learn to cope with these difficult situations.

Before we explore a few different strategies, let’s examine what this behaviour could look like.

Which behaviours tell me my child is struggling with change?

All children struggle with change to some extent and will need a bit of extra attention and comfort during transitions, but the following behaviours let you know that your little one may need more than a few extra hugs:

Your child’s behaviour escalates or changes when there is approaching change, or just after a change.

Your child uses delaying tactics to prolong the current status quo.

Your child hides when a change is looming, and after it occurs.

So we now have an idea of the behaviours to look out for. But why is this happening?

Why does my child struggle with change and transitions?

Here are the top 4 reasons a child might struggle to cope with change:

Your child fears the unknown that change brings about.

They feel concerned by the lack of control they have before and during change.

They are too young to understand permanence.

Lack of cause-and-effect thinking means that they are unable to visualise what the change means or predict the new environment.

Your child may struggle with change for a different reason, but it is likely related, at least on some level, to fear. So, we’ve come up with a few strategies that should help them to feel calmer and less afraid of what change will bring, helping to make transitions smoother.

What can be done to help my child cope with changes and transitions?

Timing is everything. While it certainly helps to alert your child before a change of activity or before the bedtime routine begins, when it comes to holidays, house moves, and large events, giving your child a lot of notice can often cause a build-up of anxiety. So think about timing! Let your child know about these bigger changes later rather than sooner, when they feel calm, and when you have time to fully explain what this will mean for them.

Timers and alarms. Some children benefit from timers being set to alert them when an activity is over or when it’s time for lunch. You could set up a sand-timer or have a funny song play when the time is up. But make sure your child knows to expect the alarm or song and what it means.

Planners on the wall. Creating day planners and placing them on the wall can help to ease a lot of your little one’s anxieties, letting them know what to expect of the coming day. You can also make planners for holidays and big events like moving day.

Comfort objects and familiar environments. A lot of kids develop attachments to comfort blankets and certain toys that help them to feel safe and secure. Embrace these bonds and let them carry these comfort objects when the setting allows for it. If you’re moving or travelling, try to create pieces of home in the new setting – bringing the same duvet, toys, and blankets – creating similar and safe bedroom environments.

Avoid surprises. If your child struggles with change and transition, we recommend steering clear of surprise birthdays, trips, and even presents. If your child has always responded well to surprises in the past, you can likely disregard this advice.

Wonder aloud. Don’t underestimate the usefulness of wondering aloud. For example, if your child is hiding under the bed you could say - I wonder if you’re hiding because you are worried about what will happen when we leave the house? In this way, we can explain different emotions to our kids that may have been confusing them and start a conversation. Remember, children don’t always know what they’re feeling, and that can be a little overwhelming. So help them name their emotions and then go about reassuring them with plenty of comforting hugs and back rubs.

Explain the situation. Depending on your little one’s fears and the situation, try to explain in a concise, calm and comforting manner what they can expect during a transition or change. This could be helping them visualise a new setting and the people they will meet, explaining a new routine as best you can and then sticking to it, or simply explaining when you’ll eat lunch. If you can’t be sure of what a change will bring, don’t go into details that won’t hold up as this will only confuse and distress your child. Instead, explain that you will be there and describe whatever else you feel you can safely promise.

How can I help my child cope with change and transitions?

Help your child move smoothly through life changes big and small.