How can I help my child make and keep friends?

It’s a familiar cycle. Your child makes friends quickly, but they end just as fast. Or they might struggle to make friends at all. You’re racking your brains constantly thinking about how to help. Making friends as an adult is hard enough, how can I help my child?

Sometimes, the ways children interact with each other seem like a mystery. You might be worried that your child is struggling to make friends in the first place. Fear not, this is something all children will need help with at some point or another on their journey, and we’re here to help you, and your child, every step of the way!

First, we need to identify the signs that show us that our little one might need some help.

What are the signs my child might need help with making friends?

Friendship issues can arise in a variety of separate ways. Let’s have a look at some key points that highlight these problems:

The child might develop friendships quickly and intensely.

They might have no friends at all.

A child might fixate on one friend constantly.

Friendships end very abruptly within a brief time.

The child might be very controlling/manipulative in these friendships.

On the other hand, the child might be very obliging and passive.

The power dynamics might often be skewed towards one child in the friendship.

Other children avoid or reject this child.

Why can this happen?

Here are 4 key reasons why a child might struggle to create and maintain relationships:

Some children can have difficulty with empathy. They might find it hard to see things from their friend’s perspective and have a tough time considering their feelings. Don’t worry, all children learn empathy at their own pace. Later, we’ll be explaining how to help them with this matter.

Sometimes a child might have an overwhelming need to feel important and loved. This can very well overwhelm other children and their needs in a friendship.

Problems can also arise out of a need for control. If a child doesn’t feel in control of their life, they might try to demonstrate power in something they can affect — namely their friendships with other children.

They might also be insecure about the strength of their friendship. They feel like unless they are the centre of another child’s attention, they’ll be forgotten.

So, how do I solve it?

Before getting into our strategies and solutions, let’s take a step back and see if there are other things affecting our children. Before they can make meaningful friendships, they first need to have an idea of what that means and what it looks like. Before you start worrying about your child struggling/maintaining relationships, ask yourself these questions:

Is my child empathetic to the needs of others?

Can my child share yet?

Is my child able to apologise following a conflict?

Does my child have at least one secure attachment/relationship with another child/adult?

If you feel like your child shows empathy, can share, apologise, and knows what a healthy relationship looks like, then we can successfully use the following strategies and solutions.

How do I give my child a good foundation to work with?

Regarding the previous section, if you feel like your child needs to work on any of the previous points, don’t worry! Children develop at their own unique pace, and until they’ve learnt all those building blocks, focus on the most important relationship — the one with you! Children use the relationship with their parents as a blueprint for creating meaningful friendships with other children and adults.

This might be hard, but if you’re in a social situation, don’t try to pressure other children to play with your child. This will only get the other children to push back or feel resentful towards your little one.

What you can do, especially if you are with like-minded parents, is play with your children! This can help you subtly guide both children to play together. You are your child’s friend too! Doing this can also help your child feel comfortable in their playing environment.

Soft play areas and parks are wonderful places to form ‘5-minute friendships’. A place where your child can form an instant friendship with another child that naturally ends when you leave. With no expectation to see the other child again, this lowers any intensity or pressure that your child may be feeling.

Now, let’s look at some ways in which you can help your child to make friends during playtime.

How can I help my child during playtime?

It’s important for you to keep a level head when your child has found a new friend. Don’t get carried away imagining that they’ll be best friends for life, or that they’ll be playing in the playground every day. Make sure that your child has different outlets for fun by balancing friendships with a lot of family time. In the case that a friendship doesn’t work out, this can help soften the blow.

Supervision is a valuable tool in many situations, this one included. To avoid the new friend becoming overwhelmed, you may want to clearly set a time limit. This will help both children feel more secure, knowing when play will start and end.

You might be able to sense when a new friendship might be on the rocks, and that’s okay! A useful strategy is thinking aloud how the other child might be feeling. For example, “I wonder if Louisa might not want to play today because she’s afraid you might shout at her again?” This can help your child build empathy with their friend. Be aware that this may take many friendships and requires a certain degree of emotional maturity from your child.

How can I support my child if a friendship ends?

It can be distressing when a child’s friendship ends abruptly. Especially if there were unkind words and behaviour. But if your child is clearly upset, it doesn’t help to immediately address the situation, pointing out what went wrong and what mistakes were made. Instead, stay neutral, and let them know you sympathise with their feelings. For example, “I know it hurts that Louisa doesn’t want to play with you. It’s sad when friendships don’t work out. I wonder what happened?”

This can lead to a child opening up to you about, in their mind, what went wrong. If they do that, then you can explain what they could do next time to consider their friend’s feelings. This turns the situation into a conversation, rather than you telling your child off for their behaviour.

Let them know they’re not alone, and that they have you! You can remind them that as they grow, they’ll make new friends, and if we treat those friends right, they’ll stick with us through thick and thin.

How can I help my child make and keep friends?

Boost your child’s social skills with Unii’s tips.