Your child’s friend is crying. What was supposed to be a nice playdate has turned into a nightmare because your child said something rude. They don’t seem to realise how much they’ve hurt their friend’s feelings. Sometimes they also direct this behaviour at you, usually leading to a shouting match and a timeout, only for the same thing to happen tomorrow. It’s got you thinking - What is going on with my child, and how can I stop this rude behaviour?

Everybody has a lapse in judgement now and again. Tempers flare up and things are said. But some children develop a habit of this behaviour being their first impulse when they’re feeling uncomfortable. Sometimes they treat it as a part of everyday communication. This could hinder their social interactions in later life, so let’s nip it in the bud now! We’re here to help you with solutions and strategies to curb this behaviour.

But before we get to that, we must first recognise what rude behaviour is in the first place.

What are the signs of rude behaviour?

Here are the 4 key signs a child may be developing a habit of rudeness:

The child responds rudely to both adults and other children.

They may make rude comments about others' behaviour or appearance.

When asked to do something, told off, or reprimanded, the child responds rudely.

The child is content with the way they are talking, with no consideration of others’ feelings.

Don’t worry, a lot of children can develop these patterns of behaviour. What we’re here to do is steer them away from these habits, but we can only do this when we understand the reason these behaviours happen in the first place.

Why do some children turn to rude behaviour?

Let’s have a look at the 5 main reasons children act rudely towards others:

They feel the need to control their environment. Acting rude tends to push people away, or avoid the child. This makes them feel powerful and in control.

The child may not be able to see the cause and effect. They don’t understand the consequences of being rude.

In the heat of the moment, tempers flare and the child immediately goes to insults instead of explaining how they’re feeling.

They could be mimicking the behaviours of friends at school, or adults at home.

The child could be seeking attention. They know rude behaviour can trigger a big response from parents and other children.

Now that we understand why some children develop these rude habits, let’s look at some strategies we can implement to help them through this difficult phase.

What strategies can I use to deter rude behaviour?

Here are the top 5 strategies to help children overcome rude behaviour:

The first strategy is to not give big responses! If you start getting into an argument with the child, you might as well be saying, “I’m rewarding you with my full attention and 100% control over my time!” Instead, use neutral language to acknowledge that the child’s behaviour is not acceptable, without being visibly angry or upset. For example, “Your comment was rude, and not very nice to me. You know that is not how we talk to people, so I’m a bit confused as to why you think that’s okay?”

Another helpful solution is saying “shall we give that another go?” or saying “rewind!” when a child makes a rude comment. This gives them the space to redo or withdraw their comment, without feeling told off.

Have a look from a different perspective. A lot of rude behaviour can come from a place of anxiousness and fright. If your child is using rudeness as a coping mechanism, explore their feelings with them. Instead of using rudeness, give them the confidence to speak up if they’re anxious, without falling back on rude behaviour.

Give yourself a parent reward chart. Every time the child is rude, give yourself a star. With a certain number of stars, give yourself a luxurious bath, or a sweet treat. When rudeness happens, respond with “brilliant, now I get a star!” This is a proven system that really helps improve behaviour in rude children!

Once your child has regulated and calmed down, consider a reflection session. Explore the child’s feelings, you’ll be surprised at how honest children can be! Talk empathetically about how rudeness is not the way to get attention, mentioning more positive ways to react. For example, “I know you were feeling anxious when you made those comments. Let's have a look at ways you can get my attention, without trying to make me feel bad.”

With these strategies and solutions in your toolkit, you’ll be prepared for any rude behaviour and comments that come your way!

How can I help my child stop making rude comments?

Unii looks at how to improve your child's manners and self restraint.