It’s a familiar scenario. Something has upset your child. You don't know who or what, but you can see the red mist descend over their eyes. Within seconds, they’re shouting, running, and hitting everything in their path. You can’t help but think - Surely there’s a reason for this? How do I help my child get a better handle on their anger so they can manage their emotions in a healthy way as they grow?

There is a reason that humans display anger. It shows that there is something distressing in someone’s environment. This is also true of children. If your child is having a tantrum, storming around and shouting, there are plenty of tips and solutions to improve their environment, and therefore yours too! Now let’s have a look at some preventative strategies, how to handle a child mid-tantrum and some tips about self-care for parents.

What does aggression look like?

Aggressive behaviour can present itself in many ways. Here, we’ve highlighted some of the main ways your child can show aggression:

Hitting.

Kicking.

Punching.

Threatening behaviour/words.

Using objects as weapons.

Throwing objects.

Damaging objects.

Premeditated violence (purposefully hitting with the intent to harm).

Now that we know what the signs of aggressive behaviour are, we need to understand what can cause children to display this behaviour in the first place.

Why does my child get angry in the first place?

As we know, the feelings of a child can be extremely complicated. They don’t have all the tools and strategies to navigate situations, so a problem that an adult can easily solve may seem impossible to a child! It’s important to see problems and situations from their point of view, so you know how to appropriately handle (and even prevent!) aggressive behaviour.

Aggressive situations can arise from a child needing to feel in control. Aggression is one of the easiest, and often simplest ways to inert control over a situation.

It can be seen as a fight-or-flight response. If a child feels physically and emotionally cornered, they could lash out, knocking over furniture and toys all over the room!

Sensory overload can also be a trigger for aggression that seems to come out of nowhere. This can be from over-stimulating environments and transition phases, such as moving from one location to another, or between different activities.

A child might also simply be wanting attention! If a child feels invisible, they will try to remind a parent by doing something that draws attention to themselves, usually in the form of a tantrum. This is especially common among siblings, when one will be aggressive towards the other to remind the parents they are there.

So what strategies can I use?

Let’s have a look at the two main groups of strategies we can use. We can use strategies that can prevent the situation from becoming aggressive in the first place, and alleviative strategies that help when a child is displaying aggressive behaviour.

Preventative strategies

Identify situations that may cause a child to be aggressive. If your child is prone to sensory overload, try avoiding situations that are loud, or potentially involve lots of interaction, verbally and physically. If you cannot avoid these situations, telling your child about the situation that can happen can make them feel more secure. You can also use equipment, such as noise cancellers, to make it more bearable for your child. Plus, they come in a wide range of styles your child would love to pick out!

Another good strategy is allowing them to run about and jump up and down! This may seem silly at first, but there is a reason this helps. This guides the child down the ‘flight’ path, rather than the ‘fight’ one.

This also gives them control over their actions, rather than thrashing about, which could get a bit dangerous for any favourite toys! It’s a smart idea to discuss this strategy with your child so that they know what to do to lower feelings of aggression.

Alleviative strategies

If possible, present a way for your child to physically exit the space. Removing your child from the area can help lower their aggression and give them a chance to calm down and explain their actions. Flight is better than fight!

You can use reassuring language to empathise with the child. For example, “I can see that you’re really angry about going to bed.” This may get your child to calm down and communicate their problem verbally.

If your child is using insults and shouting hurtful things, remember not to lose your cool! You are in control of the situation. Instead, empathise with that feeling. For example, “It must really feel hard for you to say you hate me.”

You know your child best, and what positive contact they respond to. You can hug your child while gently reassuring them. This can limit their ability to hit and kick. But be aware of using it at the right moment!

Otherwise, your child could feel claustrophobic and restricted. Alternatively, you can use a gentle touch on their shoulder coupled with reassuring words to calm a situation down. These techniques help to reassure children and answer their need for nurturing.

Strategies after an aggressive situation

After an outburst is over, everyone might need a little space to clear the air. Follow your instincts on whether your child needs space or to be embraced!

When your child is calmer, you may want to talk about the outburst. Let your child explain in their words why they were feeling angry. You can then provide solutions and strategies to help them when they next feel aggressive.

At a suitable moment, state that violence is never acceptable. This is especially important! The child needs to understand that violence is never the answer.

How can I look after my mental health?

Being the target of aggressive behaviour is one of the hardest challenges to recover from and a major contributor to compassion fatigue. Remind yourself that you are doing the right things and that although this is hard now, you’re on the correct path in your journey.

Be aware of your own support network. Make sure you have friends/partners that you can talk to, to help relieve anxiety and support you.

If you can, set aside time for you to be alone and relax. This may involve leaving the child with an adult who was not involved in the situation. Make sure this time is focused on your healing and relaxation.

How can I help my child when they're displaying aggressive behaviour?

Unii looks at how to help your little one articulate anger in a healthy way.