You’re running late. Someone’s cancelled, and a meeting has been brought forward. You do not have time to spare! But you can make it. Well, except that your child needs 5 minutes to decide what shoes they’re wearing today. And what coat they want to put on. And what they want for a morning snack. Surely it can’t be that hard? Surely there’s a way to help them make everyday choices easier?

Whilst making choices seems like an everyday occurrence to adults, children can often have remarkable difficulty with it. The transition to making choices, after getting used to having decisions made for them, can seem like a difficult task for your child. With our strategies and solutions, your child will feel confident in their decision-making and independence.

Let’s have a look at what this behaviour looks like.

What are the signs my child might need help choosing things?

If your child is displaying these behaviours, they might need strategies to help them make choices:

The child is unable to make a choice between a few options.

The child is unable to express an opinion towards any option.

The child cannot decide at all.

Now that we have identified the signs, we’re going to look at why these behaviours occur.

Why does this happen?

Sometimes these feelings of indecisiveness can come from a place of insecurity. A child may not want to draw attention to themselves or their actions.

A fear of adult expectations might also be a cause. They might see the options as either right or wrong, and think that if they choose the ‘wrong’ option, you might tell them off.

Sometimes what appears as indecisiveness can be them trying to control the situation. They might be trying to withhold making a choice, not wanting to reward their parent. This is not bad behaviour! Rather, they are just trying to exercise control in their environment.

How can I prevent this behaviour in the first place?

If you can, try to limit the number of choices for your child to make. A choice between 2 things is easier than a choice between 5!

Space out when a child needs to make choices. Too many situations at once can put stress and pressure on your child. However, we know that your routine can change at the top of a hat, so try not to dwell too much on this. Control what choices you can make whenever possible.

If you know that a decision will be happening, make sure there is time allotted, so you can wait it out. This means that the child is not rushed, and you’re not pushed for time.

It is important not to avoid situations where choices need to be made. Your child needs to learn and practice decision-making regularly. In addition, don’t dismiss the issue by making all their decisions for them. Being able to make choices independently can do wonders for self-esteem and managing anxiety levels as they grow older.

Let’s look at strategies you can use when they’re in the middle of making a decision.

What can I do when they’re deciding?

It’s a smart idea to appear distracted and busy whilst they’re choosing. This takes the focus and pressure off the child and gives them space to make a choice.

Do not insist that the child must make a choice quickly. They should take their time if needed. Also, avoid leading the child to a particular choice. We do not want to reinforce the idea that one specific choice will make you happier than the other. This will take away pressure and anxiety from the child.

If they keep asking for your opinion, reinforce the idea that they’re smart enough to make a choice without your guidance. For example, “I think your brain is strong enough to decide this.”

Avoid sighing or appearing annoyed. This is understandably really tough! But it helps your child’s confidence to make their own decision independently.

Express verbally that you understand that making a decision is tough. “I can see you’re putting a lot of thought into this. Does it make your tummy feel funny when you have to make a decision?”

It helps to explain what the child might experience with each decision. For example, “If you choose oranges, you’ll like them because you’ve eaten them before, but you might also like the sweet taste of the apple.”. This helps visualise the outcomes in the child’s mind and makes it easier for them to decide.

Let’s look at some tips to help them after their decision.

How can I help them after they’ve finished deciding?

Use positive reinforcement to remind your child they did a good job making a choice. It seems like that’s obvious, but sometimes it escapes even the most positive parent!

Reiterate that you acknowledge how difficult deciding can be. This shows the child that, as a parent, you empathise with their problems.

If appropriate, explore your child’s feelings when they were deciding. Ask them if choosing made them feel confident or scared. Why were they scared? What can you do as a parent to help them?

How can I help my child with decision-making?

Unii shares how to help your child make their mind up and develop an independent view.