The arrival of a new baby in the home is exciting for your family and a toddler milestone of sorts. How will they cope with sharing their parents’ attention? How will they relate to their new brother or sister? As a parent, there’s a lot you can do to support a healthy transition to a larger family.

Let them respond to the pregnancy news naturally.

You know how excited you are about your pregnancy, and it’s important to let your toddler feel their own feelings. Waiting until your late second trimester to tell them is fine, as to a toddler, the period between your 12th week of pregnancy—when you might tell other adults—and your due date will feel extremely long. A young child won’t grasp the birds and the bees and may become alarmed by any explanation that gets too biological. Saying that there’s a new family member in mummy’s tummy who will be here soon is a good way to start the conversation. You can say that the baby is excited to meet your toddler and allow them to feel the baby kicking, which usually begins between eighteen and twenty weeks. Pay attention to verbal and nonverbal cues during this and the transitional stage after you return from the hospital. Watch and listen to how your child plays with their toys. There is a lot that your toddler won’t yet be able to articulate, but that doesn’t mean they don’t need support.

Understand that the new baby is a stranger to your toddler

The baby is not a stranger to you or your partner. You may have planned to conceive them, a decision that probably didn’t involve consulting your toddler. You’ve been talking and thinking about the baby throughout your pregnancy. Maybe you attempted to explain the concept of foetal development to your toddler, but, as their understanding of the world is still very literal, they likely absorbed that you were talking about something in your tummy. Now there’s a baby. They don’t know why they’re there or whether more babies will follow. To them, this child is a stranger with whom they now have to share everything they previously considered theirs, from their space to their parents. Again, it is important to let them adjust to this in their own time and monitor their behaviour, both when they’re with you and when they’re alone.

Check in with their nursery school teacher and other caregivers regularly.

How is your child describing their new family members to others? Has anyone noticed behavioural changes at nursery or on playdates? Check in with the other adults who care for your children to see how they are doing. It’s relatively common for toddlers to show signs of regression when parental focus is on a baby, such as asking to be fed with a bottle. Signs like their artwork or how they play with others or alone could also be useful in determining how they’re doing.

Have the baby “bring” gifts home from the hospital

We rarely recommend trying to manipulate a child’s behaviour with gifts, but in this case, a nice toy or game could help smooth relations between your toddler and your baby. Just don’t forget to do the same thing every time you bring a new baby home; having your child think one baby is more generous than the other won’t do much good.

Let your toddler participate in your baby’s care.

There isn’t a lot your toddler can do to care for a baby practically, but they can be your helper while you change, feed, and bathe your newborn. Ask them to pass you nappies or let them hold the bottle. They can also hold the handle on the pram and help mummy steer and push it when you go to the park. You could let them choose the baby's clothes and what books you read to them together. A baby can smile from as early as four months, so your newborn could appear to validate your toddler’s efforts soon!

Be careful about how you explain pregnancy and postpartum problems.

In a child’s mind, your complaints about morning sickness and postpartum fatigue quickly become “the baby makes mummy sick” and “the baby makes mummy tired.” True as this may be, the child’s feelings towards the baby can quickly become negative if you repeatedly associate them with your own uncomfortable feelings. Your toddler loves you! Try, instead, to describe the baby’s behaviour in the way that validates your child—"He can't wait to meet you!” “He’s so happy to see you.” “He loves to hear you sing!”

Try to ensure your toddler’s routine stays more or less the same.

A new baby can turn the house upside down for everyone else, but your toddler needs to know that their life is not being sidelined. Try to keep their mealtimes and sleep routines in place to avoid tantrums and other signs of emotional dysregulation. Breaking your child’s routines frequently can cause them to lose trust in you over time or make them feel their environment is unstable. Try to model calmness as much as you can. If you’re struggling with time managing your newborn and toddler care, try to organise with the help of your partner, family, or other mums rather than self-blame. It's not your fault and you need your energy!

Give them quality time.

There isn’t a lot of time to spare when you have a newborn, but try to take at least fifteen minutes a day of alone time with your toddler where they decide exactly what you do, whether that’s choosing a story before bedtime or telling you all about their new friend at nursery. This consistent reminder that you are still focussed on them and their wellbeing will mean so much to them.

Get them professional support if necessary.

The arrival of a new sibling affects every child differently. Most will be fine, but if you recognise your child is persistently sad, uncommunicative, or displaying other signs of a mental health problem, it is important to seek professional help.

For more advice on supporting your toddler, watch Unii’s Toddler Health and Development Journey with Dr. Nisha Patel.

How can I help my toddler adjust to a new baby?

Unii looks at how to help your child bond with your new arrival.