“But I really like this show! It’s the one where they teach you about different animals, and you know I love animals!”, says your 7-year-old child, as they stand in front of you, the TV remote in their hands.

“I’m sorry sweetheart, but you’ve watched enough TV for today. It’s time to turn it off.”

“One and a half hours isn’t enough! All my friends get to watch three hours of TV on the weekends. It’s so unfair! It’s only twenty minutes then I promise I'll turn it off. Please let me watch it?”, they wail.

“No means no. Why don’t we play with a puzzle instead?”

“I hate puzzles and I hate you!” they shout, before rushing off to their room in a flood of tears.

Does this little scenario sound familiar at all? If you’re the parent of a 5 - 7-year-old, it’s probably something you see rather a lot of. But was this the very best way to go about handling the situation? Simply saying “no”, ignoring your child’s attempt at negotiation, and sticking to your guns?

In this particular scenario, your child wanted to watch an educational show that focuses on animals, one of their passions. And like they said, it’s only a short twenty minutes. Sometimes, sticking to your guns is the right response, but maybe there was room for negotiation here that could have seen everyone a little happier.

It can be difficult to navigate negotiating with your kids because you want to maintain your authority but also respect their viewpoint. But we want you to know that negotiating with your child is really important, and offers plenty of benefits.

Why is negotiating with my child a good thing?

Negotiating with your kids lets them know that you are approachable and open to the viewpoints of others. This is a valuable lesson to teach and preach.

When your child gets older and heads into adolescence, negotiation will become your primary behaviour-management tool, because adolescents want to be treated as intellectual equals, so it’s a good idea to practise doing it now.

Wise use of negotiation improves communication between parents and children.

Negotiation with parents helps children develop confidence in their views and the courage to stand up for their rights!

It also teaches them fairness and to respect the opinions of others, even if they don’t agree with them.

So, it would seem there’s a wealth of advantages to negotiating with your kids, so how, then, do you go about it?

How do I effectively negotiate with my kids?

Validate your child. We’d like to present an example scenario that demonstrates how a successful negotiation that validates a child, but gets a parent what they want, might play out:

“Why do I have to go to bed at eight-thirty? It’s so early!”, argues 9-year-old Danny.

“Well, what time would you like to go to bed?”, asks Danny’s father.

“Hmm. Nine-thirty?”, Danny suggests.

“It seems like that extra time before bed means a lot to you. What would you do with the extra time you have?”

“Read maybe,” Danny responds.

“But remember how tired you are in the mornings when you stay up late? And then you fall asleep during school.”, Danny’s dad says.

“But that was last year, and I’m older now!”

“That’s a good point. How about this, on school nights, you can read in bed until nine, and on the weekends, you can stay up till nine-thirty!”

This kind of negotiation lets the child know that their father listens to them and validates their views, while simultaneously achieving the father’s goal of ensuring their child gets enough sleep.

Let your child lead negotiations sometimes. If your child is able to first state their agenda, not only will their confidence flourish, this allows you time to hear them, think about what they’re saying, and then negotiate your own terms and viewpoint.

Actively listen. As parents, we often think we know everything and that we know best. So, once a discussion opens up, we close our ears to what’s really being said and then go ahead and do what we planned in the first place. We want to encourage you to really listen to your child during negotiations because not only might they offer up a genuinely good solution, you’ll also get a lot of insight into how they think. And don’t forget that children are very perceptive to their parent's feelings, so there’s a good chance they’ll pick up on it if your mind is elsewhere, and this could really hurt their confidence.

Maintain your authority but check yourself regularly. Exhibit respect for your child when negotiating, but be sure to command it too. If your child is being rude or mean, make sure to tell them that this sort of behaviour ends any form of discussion. Constant haggling can easily lead to your authority slipping away but your authority keeps your children safe, so hold onto it. At the same time, check yourself regularly and make sure you’re also respecting your child and their opinions.

Let your “no” be “no”. Sometimes, you’ll know you’re right and that your child is simply being unreasonable, and even if they are being reasonable, as a parent, you’re well within your right to decide that you don’t want to negotiate at that particular moment. In these situations, turn on your serious voice and say, “I won’t change my mind on this, sorry” and let that be it.

Keep negotiations calm and peaceful. You’ll know by experience that negotiations always work best and trend the right way when everyone is calm and peaceful, and not in the heat of the moment. If your child is upset or you’re feeling unsure and pressured, decide not to decide and say “I’ll get back to you later when we’re both feeling calmer, and then we can discuss it.”

How can I negotiate with my child?