Competition is all around us. Whether we’re seeing it on the television when we’re watching sports, feeling it ourselves when applying for a job with many applicants, or when trying our hand at a tennis game, there’s no denying that competition is simply a part of life. Although competition doesn't have to be something negative if exercised in the right way, when it comes to our little ones, it’s important to teach them that learning how to lose and win with grace is a key social skill for life.

But to know how to help our preschoolers learn skills like these, we need to first understand the reasons why some children find losing or winning difficult.

Why do some children find winning or losing difficult?

Self-regulation:

For anyone to be able to cope with strong emotions, they need a high level of self-regulation. For children at the preschool age, winning or losing may provoke a huge emotional response because their levels of self-regulation are low. This in turn means that they can become very distressed if they cannot win a game. In addition, self-regulation is linked to language levels, so when a little child loses a game, their language delay may contribute to them finding some games difficult to cope with.

Perfectionism:

Some of us would describe ourselves as perfectionists, and there’s no denying that this trait can start in childhood. Some preschoolers have very high expectations of themselves, and will show a desire to be ‘the best’ early on in life. Although this is sometimes driven by parental expectations, some kids are just more naturally driven in this way than others.

Learned behaviour:

Displaying learned behaviour is common for little children. If a child learns that acting in a certain way (like having a tantrum or being sulky) will result in a reaction from an adult, then it eventually forms a habit. Children thrive off attention from adults, and displaying this type of behaviour will often mean that an adult will ‘allow’ a child to win as a result of their reaction.

Competitiveness:

Some children just happen to be more competitive than others, and will actively try to make many situations into a competition, especially if they have siblings. Many people say that engaging in a bit of competition can be healthy for everyone, so it’s not necessarily a bad trait to have. However, it’s important that children who are competitive learn how to control their emotions when they win or lose, so as to not upset others.

Bad experiences:

Bad experiences in childhood can easily form more cemented behaviours, as children can learn how to lose or win from observing and copying others. For example, they may have experienced an older sibling who has won a game taunting them, and therefore learned to repeat this behaviour when they themselves win.

Now that we’ve delved into why some children may find winning or losing difficult, let’s look at how you can respond.

How do I respond to my child winning or losing badly?

While learning to win and lose is essential for your little preschooler, remember that they are still very young, and it will take time for them to master these kinds of social skills. Whatever tactic you decide to exercise when responding to them, above all remember to be patient and understanding.

Here are some tips for responding to your child winning or losing badly:

Stepping in quickly:

As soon as you see your child being rude towards others in the midst of winning or losing a game, it’s important to step in quickly but calmly. This way, you can help your child manage their behaviour soon after it begins, and prevent them from becoming overexcited. For example, you could try saying something like ‘I know that you are pleased you have won, but remember to stay polite.’

Keeping calm:

When you see your child getting riled up during a competitive situation, one of the best things you can do is calm them down. Perhaps take them away from the situation, so they can be distracted, or talk things through with them so that they understand their emotions better.

Responding during the game:

Talking to your child about other things during a tense, competitive game can be a great way to distract them from the situation at hand and help them to refocus on something more positive.

How do you help your child to win and lose with grace?

In addition to knowing how to respond to your child in these scenarios, it’s also useful to know different ways in which you could help them to win and lose with grace:

Role modelling:

Being a good role model to your child is important for many areas of their development. However, it’s particularly helpful for their development in competitive situations. If your little one sees you acting with grace in a competitive situation that you are involved in, they will quickly learn what is acceptable and what is not and will in time apply this knowledge to their own life.

Helping your child reflect on their performance:

It’s often in hindsight that we learn our greatest lessons in life. And this is no different when it comes to your preschooler. Helping your child to reflect on their performance when games involve tactics or physical skill, can prevent them from giving up or reaching the conclusion that they simply ‘aren’t good at it’.

Praising them when they do win and lose with grace:

When your child is involved in a competitive situation, and they have managed to win or lose with some grace, praising them for this will always steer them further in the right direction. Children need praise to build their confidence and to learn what behaviour is acceptable and what is not.

How can I teach my child about the concepts of winning and losing?

Teaching your child about the concepts of winning and losing is important for their social development.