How do you deal with a child that won't share? Is it worth teaching them that sharing is caring? When raising a preschooler, you will inevitably come up against the dilemma that is ‘sharing’. You will likely find that your preschooler struggles to share with everyone, from siblings, cousins, friends, and even you. At times, it can be difficult to manage. But while self-prioritisation is an entirely normal behaviour in young children, it is nevertheless a phase they must learn to grow out of. Sharing is widely considered a caring, healthy and essential trait in today’s society, but it is not a one we are born with, and it is certainly not always easy to learn!

First, let’s consider why children find sharing so hard.

Why is sharing so difficult for young children?

Toddlers and young preschoolers have difficulty sharing because they are still learning to grasp the concept of empathy. At this young age, a child focuses almost solely on their own thoughts and feelings, so when another child or adult plays with a favourite toy, has a bite of their yummy muffin, or steals the attention of a caregiver, the young preschooler cries. They are distraught that something has been taken away from them, not knowing that it will come back. It takes time and effort for a child to learn that items will still belong to them no matter who uses them, and that the attention of their caregivers might not be constant but is absolute.

The problems arise when they both fiercely protect their own possessions and at the same time want to own the fun, exciting-looking possessions of others. In preschool settings, this becomes even more difficult because the toys provided belong to the classroom, and to no one in particular. So, navigating who gets to play with what and for how long can quickly become complicated, especially for children.

When a preschooler reaches the age of three-and-a-half to four years old, they should be sharing regularly, but to get to this point requires practice and the patient help of adults.

Now that we have the explanatory context, let’s look at some strategies for helping your child learn to share.

How can I help my child learn to share?

Sharing isn’t easy for young children and there will be plenty of times that they prove entirely unwilling to do so, and we certainly don’t want to force them. So, how do we effectively teach our kids to share?

Teaching your child to share

If your child struggles to share, it’s important that you structure a few scenarios that allow them to experience effective sharing - maybe you can involve a sibling, or set up a few playdates with a close friend. When another child is playing with a toy of some kind, be it a puzzle or train set, take your child by the hand and ask, ‘Can we play with you? We’d really like to share the toy you are using.’ Sit alongside the children as they play and make several positive comments about sharing and how lovely it makes us feel, stressing the value that sharing brings.

Following this, once a day, do your best to join your child in an activity that lends itself to sharing. Let’s imagine your child is drawing a picture using a set of bright, colourful crayons. Ask them, ‘May I draw with you? I would really like to share the crayons you are using.’ If they say ‘no’, do not scold them, simply say, ‘Okay. Maybe we can play together later’, and leave. Children must feel that sharing is a positive experience and not something they are forced into. It might take them some time to embrace both scenarios, but once they are regularly sharing we can go about beginning the next step.

Now that the child is comfortable sharing with you, an adult, try to involve another child when your little one is already busy at play. Make your way over to them with a sibling or friend, and tell them, ‘Jake and I would like to share the crayons with you. Will you share with us?’

If they say yes, allow the children to get on with their play, making the occasional positive comment. And if the answer is no, state that maybe they could share later, before walking away.

Finally, once they’re sharing more and more regularly, go about limiting the role you play. When involving a second child, tell your own, ‘Fred would like to share these dolls with you’, and once they are settled, leave the kids to get on with their play. As they begin to share more often, with fewer complaints, gradually orchestrate fewer sharing opportunities and allow your child to do so on their own.

Reinforce sharing

To reinforce sharing, make sure to offer considerable praise when your child shares both spontaneously and when the situation has been orchestrated by you. By letting the child know that you value this behaviour and how pleased you are, you reinforce sharing and diminish the want not to share.

‘It makes me so happy to see you sharing. You’re playing so nicely with Fred!’

How to handle non-sharing

When an instance arises where your little one refuses to share with you or another child, ask them what the problem is in a calm manner.

‘What’s happening kids?’

‘It’s my train set! I don’t want him to play with it,’ your child says.

Rephrase the problem in your own words. ‘Lucy wants to play with the train set as well, but you had it first and want to keep it. Is that right? What can we do about this?’

See if the children can come up with an alternative solution they are both happy with, guiding them if need be, making sure to praise

How can I teach my child that sharing is caring?

Unii explains how to teach your child this golden rule.