No one gives you a manual when you become a parent. I think most of us will agree that it is definitely a ‘learn on the job’ sort of role! And when it comes to teaching your preschool child how to ‘be good’, it’s normal to question whether you’re doing the right thing, even though you’re trying your best or just doing what your parents did with you.

When it comes to children developing a good sense of right and wrong, we will all lean towards using different methods, whether this is on a conscious or unconscious level. Although it’s normal to have good days and bad days in the rollercoaster ride of bringing up kids, it’s a good idea to mull over the approaches we use that will ultimately contribute to moulding their behaviour.

And now that we know that different parents have different opinions on what it means for their child to actually ‘be good’, how do we know that we’re using the right approaches for positive long-term results? And once we know the right approaches, how do we put them into practice in real life?

So let’s take a look at a few of the different approaches and consider which ones work and which ones don’t in terms of paving the way for your child’s healthy future.

There are many different approaches when it comes to parenting children into ‘being good’. However, there are 2 that stand out as extremely common among parents.

The facilitative approach:

If you find yourself interacting with your preschool child in a way that not only gives warmth and affection, but also sets clear, consistent expectations and boundaries, then you are probably using a facilitative approach, which is also sometimes referred to as ‘authoritative’.

The authoritarian approach:

In contrast, if you find that you have been teaching your child to be obedient or ‘good’ by using threat and punishment to control their behaviour, then you could be using an authoritarian approach.

Why does a facilitative approach work well?

Kindness always seems to go a long way. And when we apply this to our kids, the positive effects will last a lifetime. The great thing about the facilitative approach is that your child will learn to understand what is acceptable behaviour, and they can’t just ‘get away’ with any behaviour that isn’t. If you use this approach, your child will really be encouraged to think about their actions rather than simply obeying orders out of fear from external authority. If you include elements of warmth and affection into the way you teach your child, (along with clear consistent expectations and boundaries) then you will see extremely positive results in the way they act as they go through life.

Why does an authoritarian approach work less well?

Children that have been raised by parents that use authoritarian approaches will typically have a very different experience to those who have been raised with a facilitative approach. In contrast to using a facilitative approach, your child will start to believe that being verbally aggressive or physically abusive is acceptable. Children who are regularly shouted at or smacked are more likely to replicate this behaviour, as they have learned that it is not only acceptable, but also a means to an end.

How can parents put healthy parenting approaches into practice?

So, we’ve established that the facilitative approach is not only a much healthier way of parenting, but it is also much more likely to lead to your preschool child showing ‘good’ behaviour as they grow up.

Now we know which approach is the best one to follow, how should we put it into practice?

Take your time with interactions. To help your child properly think through their actions and evaluate them, communication is key. When you’re trying to help your child understand the consequences of their actions, give significant time for listening to them. Then give them feedback in a calm, controlled manner. This will give them the space and time to appreciate what their actions mean and the consequences of them.

Help them feel heard and understood. It’s vitally important for children to feel listened to, as children that don’t end up acting out in unhelpful ways. When you’re interacting with your child, try not to interrupt them, and be patient while they are talking. Show that you understand by nodding occasionally so they feel like you are engaged in the conversation.

Don’t be afraid to set boundaries. Children need boundaries and rules, as well as warmth and affection. It’s all about balance. Therefore, when they demand something like an extra after-school snack, for example, don’t cave into giving it to them. Helping your child stick to limits in small ways like this will set the pace for a healthy future.

Be a good role model. Children are very good at mirroring their parents. Therefore it’s important for you to watch how you act around them. If they see you shouting at your partner, consistently eating unhealthy foods, or spending excessive time on your phone, they will soon follow suit. Try to monitor what you are saying and doing around them, so they pick up good habits early on!

How can I teach my child to ‘be good’?

Promote empathy and give them good guidance, says Unii.