Your little one has been a bit of a pain all day; refusing to get dressed, rejecting the lunch you place in front of them and even throwing it on the floor! Eventually, an argument ensues between your child and their sister, which ends when they hit their sister across the back. Something has clearly put them in a bad mood and you want to help, but you can’t let them keep behaving in this way. So what should you do?

You’ve tried a few different disciplinary methods, but nothing seems to really work. And while you’ve thought about using time-outs, you’ve always considered them a little cruel.

If that’s the case, you’re not alone in this. A lot of parents see time-outs as a rather severe punishment, but that just means that they haven’t quite grasped the concept. Time-outs don’t have to be a punishment!

So, what exactly are time-outs?

Time-outs should not be seen as a punishment and they will very rarely prove effective when used in this way. Rather, time-outs should be seen as a break from undesirable actions or behaviours that allow children and parents to reflect on what went wrong and how to make it right.

When time-outs are used as punishments, this is what’s known as ‘benching’, the equivalent of taking a player out of a game for misconduct.

So, why are time-outs more effective than ‘benching’?

Time-outs are fantastic because they give your child and you a chance to reflect and cool off. Your child can calm down and think about what they have done, whilst you can decide how serious the misbehaviour really was. If it was just a smallie (misbehaviour that doesn’t really justify more than a short time-out), let them come out of time-out once the time is done and let that be the end of it. If it’s a biggie (perhaps they hurt someone), you’ll likely need to have a chat with them later. The time-out gives you plenty of time to think it over and decide what to do next.

It’s best to think of time-outs as a tool for shaping good behaviour, rather than for punishing misbehaviour.

So, now that we know why time-outs can be a really useful tool in a parent’s arsenal, you’ll want to know how to use them effectively.

How should I conduct time-outs and make them work for me?

Give lots of ‘time in’. For time-outs to really work, your child needs to associate good behaviour with ‘time ins’, which is time spent playing with you and enjoying your attention and company. That way, good behaviour becomes associated with good feelings and bad behaviour with not so good feelings.

Prepare your child. Make sure your little one knows what the purpose of time-out is, and start them on time-outs at a fairly young age.

Keep time-outs brief. Immediately after the misbehaviour, quickly escort your child to time-out without discussion or nattering (negative commentary). Time-outs should be kept to one minute per year of age – i.e. 2 minutes for a 2-year-old, 4 for a 4-year-old.

Keep time-out quiet. We want time-outs to be boring and quiet. It’s certainly not the time for lecturing and chattering.

Use a timer. Little children won’t have any idea how long 3 minutes really is, so an oven timer or alarm clock will prove much more effective. Once the timer goes, there’s really no need to tell them they can come out; they’ll very quickly get the picture.

Pick the right spot. Time-out spaces must remain free of distractions, so their bedroom is probably not the best option. This is why many parents choose to use a certain stair step for time-outs, or perhaps a small stool.

Clear the air. Make sure that once time-out is over, it really is over. They served their time and thought about what they’d done, so let them come out and then find a fun activity for them to get on with.

What should I do if my child refuses to stay in time-out?

Sometimes time-outs won’t work because the child doesn’t understand its purpose or what it really means. If they like sports, it can be really helpful to explain the purpose of a time-out by comparing it to those taken during games. You could say, “Time-outs allow coaches to pull the players out of the game when things aren’t going too well - this is so that they can calm down and have a think about how to make things better.”

If your child is over 5 years old, you can start to add extra time for resistance to time-outs, and if they’re still refusing, you can refuse privileges such as TV time, or whatever has worked best in the past. Giving your little one a choice can also prove effective: “You can either stay in time-out for 5 minutes or have no TV for the rest of the week.”

How can I use time-outs to discipline my child?