If you think back to your childhood, you’ll remember clearly that everyone was different. For example, one of your friends may have excelled in basketball and thoroughly enjoyed engaging in pressurised sports, while you may have actively ran away from the ball! Or perhaps you really enjoyed learning new maths sums and practising your times tables, while your friend may have preferred getting lost in a storybook.

When looking after preschool children, it can sometimes be difficult to know what to expect. After all, every one of them will have varying family backgrounds, personalities, skills and experiences, and will develop at completely different rates.

And while there are general guidelines to the age at which you can expect your child to develop or grow out of certain behaviours, it’s a key practice to balance out your expectations of them. Try not to compare them just against others their age, but against yourself too.

In today’s world, it can be so easy to think that just because we have a certain belief or understanding of the way children should be or act, that this is how they should be. But we need to take into account that this may not correlate with how they feel, the stage of development they are at, the generation they are growing up in, or the experiences they have encountered up until now.

So, why is it important to manage your expectations of your child?

Why is it important to have appropriate expectations for my child?

Let’s face it, the world around us can be a pretty influential place. For example, if the preschool child of our neighbour next door moves on from their tantrum phase at a certain point in time, then it’s natural for us to expect the same results from our own child. Or if your child’s best friend learns how to spell big words at a certain point, you might wonder whether your child will get there at the same time.

And as convenient as it might be to expect the exact same behaviour and results from one child to another from the moment they hit the 5-year mark, it’s just not realistic, nor very fair! The facts are that every child is a little individual, and as parents, it’s really important for us to recognise this early on. Not just for their individual psychological, emotional and social benefit, but for the future of the relationship between yourself and your youngster as they grow up.

How to put this concept into practice?

As many expectations that you might have for your child may be unconscious, it can take some serious checking in with ourselves to properly realise them. If you look closely at the unconscious or conscious expectations you may be directing towards them, you will begin to gauge whether they may be too high, too low, or just about right. Remember that at the core, what’s really crucial is that these expectations support their development, and help them to flourish overall as the authentic person they are growing up to be.

So, follow these points to reflect upon whether you are putting appropriate expectations upon your preschooler:

Even though you are a significantly different age to your little child, we are all human, and we all have feelings and emotions. Therefore, a good tactic to practice is when you find yourself expecting your child to behave in a certain way, consider what you would think if someone was expecting the same of you. For example, if in the heat of the moment you find yourself telling your child to “stop crying” or to “be a big boy or girl”, consider what emotions that would provoke within yourself had the roles been reversed. After all, would you be willing to comply if someone spoke to you like that?

Whenever you realise that you are having an expectation of your child, stop to remember that they are very, very young, and at an incredibly early stage of their development. Although it’s not good to use age to define expectations, in general it will help you to remember that your preschooler might need a bit longer to stop coming into your bedroom in the middle of the night, versus your hypothetical seven-year-old who sleeps through the night independently.

Another tactic to use is to think about where your expectations are coming from when you find yourself having them. Take some time to look inwards - Are they coming from your own experience of childhood? Are you comparing them to other children? Does it come from something you saw on social media? Are your expectations catering to your child as an individual, not as a statistic? Being really honest with yourself will help you appropriately adjust your expectations.

How do I balance the expectations I have of my child?

Balancing your expectations of your child involves finding a middle ground between setting high standards and being realistic about their abilities.