It is very easy to get into the habit of striving to be the “perfect” mother. Perhaps you believe that every word you say to your child must benefit them in some way, or that every thought you have about them must be positive and compassionate. Putting these kinds of expectations on ourselves is completely natural – not just in motherhood but in all walks of life!

However, it is crucial to acknowledge that making mistakes is an inevitable part of being a mother.

So, what does struggling with perfectionism look like?

Have you ever been unable to forget the time you were slightly too harsh on your child? Or have you repeatedly berated yourself for secretly wishing that your child would fall asleep so that you could go and watch some TV?

The fact is that no one can be a perfect mother all the time. Everyone has stressful days, turbulent sleeps, and fluctuating moods – it is inevitable that these factors will occasionally affect our parenting actions and attitudes in a negative way.

But before delving into the importance of accepting imperfections in motherhood, let’s consider why it can be so difficult in the first place.

Why do I struggle with perfectionism?

There are a few reasons why you may be struggling with the desire to be the perfect mother:

Unproductive overthinking can often arise from the love and care you have for your child. If you want them to be raised perfectly in every way, this can lead to an obsession with their imperfections and, subsequently, your own parental imperfections.

Given that raising a child is such a large sacrifice, you may put pressure on yourself to be a great mother in every way. This can lead you to set unreasonable expectations regarding your own targets as a mother.

You may also be impacted by certain external or societal pressures to be a great mother. Perhaps you scroll through Facebook and see all your friends showing off their “perfect” children and their “perfect” parental skills. Being exposed to an overwhelming quantity of this kind of content can lead you to become overly worried about all the things you may be doing wrong.

So, it’s easy to see why perfectionism is so common in motherhood. But how can you overcome this mindset?

How Can I Overcome Perfectionism in Motherhood?

The first step towards accepting your imperfections in motherhood is to start aiming to be a “good enough mother”, rather than a perfect mother. It is crucial to accept that all you can do is your best. By striving to be only good enough, you attain a perspective on this truth. Accepting your imperfections will allow you to assess your flaws as a mother with a newfound positivity, reassurance and clarity.

Also, it stands to reason that a mother who occasionally fails to meet their child’s needs will, in fact, nurture their child’s independence. If you were flawlessly attentive to all of their needs and problems, it would be difficult for them to learn the qualities of resilience and self-care. It is therefore important to realise that your imperfections are necessary for a child’s balanced development.

How to Accept the Push and Pull of Motherhood?

It is not only our actions and words that we may regret as mothers. Sometimes we struggle to accept the negative attitudes and thoughts we occasionally have towards our child. Suppose you wake up in the middle of the night to the sound of your baby’s cries, and your first emotion is frustration and annoyance. But then the next day, you can’t help but wonder - Why did I not feel sympathy towards my baby? Does this mean I don’t love them? Am I a selfish mother?

Here’s the thing: these thoughts are completely natural. Sometimes you’ll feel pulled towards your baby’s needs, but at other times you’ll want to push them away. This is an inevitable part of being a mother, and it is important to accept it. Parenting can be exhausting, and there will be times when you want a break from your baby. This doesn’t mean that you don’t love them; it simply means that you are thinking for yourself sometimes, and this only makes you human!

Sometimes, however, it is difficult not to feel ashamed about the ambivalent feelings we may have towards our child. So, how can we deal with these shameful thoughts?

How Can I Reframe Shameful Thoughts?

Let’s suppose that earlier this morning you were taking your baby on a walk, but your mind was distracted by a problem at work. Later that day, on reflection, you begin to feel ashamed about this. Here are three key ways to reframe your shameful thoughts:

Focus on accomplishment. Instead of focusing on the negative aspects of your thoughts, choose to congratulate yourself on the fact that, despite your stressful job, you still regularly decide to take your baby on strolls in the park.

Focus on gratitude. You could also reframe the thought by emphasising the feeling of gratitude. For example, in this situation, you could think about how lucky you are to have a healthy baby and the time and space to spend quality time with your child.

Focus on acceptance. The third method of reframing a shameful thought is to accept that you can’t be a perfect mother all the time. While you may still regret certain words and actions, try to accept that this is just a part of being a mother, and use this acceptance to learn from your mistakes.

So, by reframing your shameful thoughts in these three ways, you can turn your negative thoughts and feelings into positive ones, helping you to accept your imperfections in motherhood.

How do I deal with perfectionism in motherhood?

It's hard to be your best self when the bar is impossibly high.