It’s a lovely, sunny day and you have some free time so you decide to take your toddler out shopping with you to update your wardrobe for the first time in years. Your excited toddler points to a very expensive toy they don’t need because they have a very similar version of it at home, and desperately expresses to you how much they want it. When you refuse to buy it for them, they start screaming so loudly that everyone in the shop turns to look at you. You wonder - should I shout at them to stop? Should I pacify them? Should I ignore them? Or should I just buy the darn toy so they stop screaming?

These public emotional outbursts are very normal for toddlers. When a child reaches the grand old age of two, they use temper tantrums, pushing, shoving and shouting to get their way. These reactions are mostly impulsive and uncontrollable. And whether your little one is aware of it or not, the point of these misbehaviours is to find their limits, as well as yours.

Before we launch into some great strategies for disciplining your misbehaving toddler, let’s look at some reasons why your child is misbehaving.

Why is my toddler misbehaving?

They’re testing your limits
They’re finding their own limits
They can’t control their impulses just yet
They’re trying to communicate their impulses as best they can
They are under intense distress so regress back to acting like a twelve-month-old

The learning process for how to stay regulated during times of stress carries on throughout our lives. This is why your toddler’s stress response and how you and they react to it is a very important part of their developmental process that they will carry forward.

How you choose to discipline your child is of course a matter of preference. While some parents may want to use a more strict approach, enforcing punishment when their child violates a household rule, others are more lenient and will seldom use punishment. Whatever your approach, consistency is key. And if discipline is going to work, it needs to suit the temperament of your child.

Here are some approaches that we feel are very effective for disciplining your toddler.

Approaches for disciplining your toddler

Time-out/Time-In

A time-out is essentially the name given to a piece of time that you allocate for your little one to be quiet and still. You can begin calling a time-out as early as eighteen months but is most successful with three-year-olds who know that they have misbehaved and understand why they are being disciplined.

Here is how a time-out works:

Sit your child in a chair or bring them to a place with no distractions. This separates them from their misbehaviour and allows them space to cool off.
Explain to your toddler in simple terms the reason for the time-out. Tell them that you love them but their behaviour is unacceptable. You only need to be brief. With younger children, you can relieve them from a time-out when they have calmed down.
You can end time-out once your child is calm. This reinforces that time-out means time for quiet and stillness.
This practice helps your child to calm themselves in times of stress. A good guideline to follow is one minute of time-out for each year in a child’s life.
It is helpful to sit with your child and support them to calm down and attend to their emotions as well as prevent their unacceptable behaviour. This supports your toddler to control their behaviour and emotions without feeling isolated.

Extinction

Extinction is a disciplinary technique most effective with children between the ages of two and three. Having said that, it can also be useful for children up into the school years. The idea is that you ignore your child when they break a rule. This technique is used when your child misbehaves in a way that is bothersome or undesirable, such as whining or screaming. It is not used for destructive or harmful behaviour, which needs to be addressed straight away.

Here’s how extinction works:

Clearly define the undesirable behaviour. Is your child screaming for attention in public? Are they grabbing hold of you refusing to let you go when you try to do something else? Be specific about their behaviour and how and where it occurs.
Be aware of how often your child acts out in this way and what you do in response to them. Do you try to calm your child down? Do you drop everything to attend to them? If so, you are encouraging and perpetuating their misbehaviour.
Keep tracking how often your child acts out in this way as you start to ignore it. Remember, consistency is key! Even if everyone in the shop is staring at you, it’s important that you do not show your child that you notice them screaming. Just carry on as if nothing is happening. Your toddler will probably start acting out more intensely at first, but after some time they will eventually realise that they are not getting the response they desire and tire of this behaviour. Be strong and try your best not to give in as this will just reinforce the behaviour you’re trying to prevent.
When your child acts appropriately in a situation where they would usually misbehave, make sure you compliment them for acting so grown up. Give them a cuddle and express your delight at their good behaviour.
If you manage to eliminate the misbehaviour and it starts back up again, you will need to begin this process all over again. It shouldn’t take as long the second time.

How do I discipline my 2-3 year old?

Toddler sometimes need a little firm guidance. Unii has some advice.