When you become a parent, there’s no doubt that spending time with your little one is suddenly one of the most enjoyable and fulfilling parts of life. There really is no better feeling than sitting on the sofa with your giggling child wrapped in your arms. You make eye contact, smile down at them, and see them smile back up at you in return. And you sense that at this moment, they are in a state of complete contentment and happiness.

And while it feels good to know that doing something as simple as spending time with your child will help them feel happy in the moment, there’s also a lot more going on beneath the surface. Even though you and your child may not be aware of it, moments of connection like this will allow them to feel safe, special and valued and form secure attachment bonds.

Forming secure attachments is essential to your child’s preschool years and will enable them to develop themselves and form relationships healthily as they grow up. As their parent, you are an essential part of your child forming and maintaining secure attachment bonds, so it’s important to learn how you can best facilitate this happening in their early years through caregiving.

So, before we delve into what you can do to ensure your child forms secure attachments, let’s understand a bit more about what it means for a child to be ‘securely attached’?

What does it mean for a child to be ‘securely attached’?

To first understand how children form secure attachment bonds, we must first understand attachment theory.

What is attachment theory?

Attachment theory says that a specific bond, called ‘the attachment bond’ is developed most intensely to one figure (the primary attachment figure) but also often to a small group of other individuals (secondary attachment figures). It is the environment, and the reaction of adults to the child that determine the quality of attachment that takes place.

Secure attachment - the type of attachment believed to be healthiest for children’s development - happens when a child has an affectionate, responsive interaction with a key adult in their life that allows them to develop trust and gives them the confidence to explore and learn. The figure the child attaches to provides a secure base from which they can springboard to have the confidence to explore the world around them.

Now that we’ve discussed the meaning of attachment theory and what it means for a child to be securely attached, let’s look at why a child needs to form secure attachments in the first place.

Why is it important for my child to form secure attachments?

For a child to thrive in many different aspects of their life, they need to form and maintain secure attachments to their caregivers. Secure attachments are ultimately at the base of what will help a child become competent in developing friendships, a strong sense of self, emotional understanding and regulation, greater confidence in tackling day-to-day problems and become better able to tolerate frustration.

Ultimately, children who can form and maintain secure attachment bonds will learn to regulate their emotions throughout their lives, leading to many positive outcomes in their adult lives. For example, they will be independent, understand and value others, and will go on to form healthy relationships overall.

Understanding why forming secure attachments is so essential is the first step, but knowing how to put it into practice is the important part!

How can I facilitate secure attachments for my child?

Although there are general guidelines on what you, as a parent, can do to facilitate your child forming secure attachments, it’s also good to remember that every child is different and will blossom from engaging in different styles of interaction and play. But however you decide to interact with your child, it’s always beneficial to be calm, caring and nurturing — as every child will reap the benefits from this.

Here are some more detailed points on what you can do to ensure your child forms secure attachments in the present and in their future relationships:

Listen to your children about their concerns. For example, if they are worried about something related to their health or their friendships, always give them the time to convey how they are feeling.

Be welcome and non-judgemental in your attitude towards them. Even if you have an opposing opinion to what your child is discussing with you, do your best to be supportive through your tone of voice and body language.

Remember the importance of touch. Your child will need physical contact from you regularly as they grow, so always remember to give hugs and affection.

Reflect on the speed of your movements. Your child will be very sensitive to the body language they communicate with, even if you’re unaware of it yourself! So it’s good to reflect upon how you’re moving around them, as this will greatly influence their bond with you.

Reflect upon the volume, tone, and tempo of your speech. Again, taking note of the volume, tone, and tempo of your speech will be very helpful in creating a comforting ethos for your child.

Learn to recognise clinginess. Clinginess can be a possible expression of uncertainty/lack of trust. If you notice this, then put emphasis on building up trust rather than just directly on reducing the clinginess.

How do I ensure my child forms secure attachments?

Listen more and help your child form better bonds with Unii’s tips.