Parenthood can oftentimes feel a little lonely. Yes, there are the kids, and hopefully some family members about, but when you’re on your own with them, trying to give them everything they need, getting them to places they need to go, and all whilst trying to entertain them at the same time, it can feel next to impossible.

And that’s why having a reliable support network proves so important. Not only people who help with the kids, but also those willing to listen when you need to vent, or go for a drink with you and make you laugh. Whether they’re family members, friends, fellow parents you met at the playground, or work colleagues, we all need people around us willing to help.

But if your support network is lacking, how do you find one and keep it?

How do I find and keep a support network around me?

Be clear in your mind about what you need and want from people. There are a great many ways to receive support from people around you and also offer it back to them, so be very honest with yourself about what you need and what you’re prepared to give. It could be that a fellow parent looking to carpool would save you a great deal of hassle or maybe you just want someone to meet with for a coffee or a glass of wine, who understands the struggles of parenting. Figure out what you’re missing in your support network and what might make your life easier, and then look out for people who offer it. Remember that more often than not, these relationships need some give and take on both sides, so think about what you yourself have the time to offer in return.

Ask people for help. It’s so easy to forget that people don’t know what’s going on inside our heads. If you’re in need of help but don’t let anyone know or ask them for help, they won’t assume you need it. If asking for help makes you feel a little uncomfortable, remind yourself that the worst that can happen is someone says no, and they’re allowed to do so (as are you). Best case scenario, they say yes and you find a new friend/babysitter to lean on!

Be prepared to show up. Sometimes all you need is a night to yourself, but to build a support network that allows you to do so, you need to show up to events, sports days, and parent coffee dates. When you attend these gatherings, you meet new people and a new potential member of your support network. Showing up is also being there for others when they need you, just like taking a friend’s kids off their hands for an evening, or having a phone call with a family member because they’ve had a tough day. Even sending a funny video to a fellow parent you know, who is having a rubbish week, counts as showing up. If you show up to events and show up for others, you’ll build and keep that all-important support network.

Respect your boundaries and those of others. Having said that, you can’t help everyone all of the time, and others can’t always help you – we are all human beings with limited time. It could also be the case that you just don’t click with someone, and that’s okay! If someone you expected to get on with and rely on annoys or triggers you, you don’t need to keep them around (at least not most of the time). It’s always okay to say no, but if you struggle with this, think of doing it for your kids. If you accept too many plans, things you don’t really want to do, you’ll spread yourself too thin, struggle to make time for them, and eventually bring on feelings of stress. Every time you will yourself to say no to a plan that doesn’t suit you, you’re lowering your stress levels and the risk of losing it when the kids misbehave.

How do I find and keep my support network?