Intrinsic feedback. More and more parents are getting behind this new form of communication. You may have heard this term before, but what’s the meaning behind this buzzword that seems to have come out of nowhere? Isn’t it enough to just praise your child? How do you give your toddler intrinsic feedback?

Intrinsic feedback might seem hard to understand, but at its core, it’s a vital technique to help children build their own sense of self, learn how to accept themselves for who they are, and learn what feels good in the way they treat others.

For decades, parents have been focused on giving praise to their little ones to help build their self-esteem. We praise them for everything, for paintings, flushing the toilet, even opening a door.

But is that the correct way to praise?

Why could blanket praise be a bad thing?

If we end up praising our children for the smallest things, that is what’s called an extrinsic motivator. The child ends up feeling good not because of their actions, but only because they’re receiving praise from the parent.

Here are some reasons why extrinsic motivators can be a bad thing:

Praise can actually be used to manipulate children when we use it as a bargaining tool to motivate them. They end up doing a task not because they want to learn something, but because they want our praise. In a sense, it creates praise junkies!

Praise can actually take the joy away. Instead of being joyous and happy by themselves and what they have achieved, they constantly look to us for reassurance that they have done a good job.

When children are only doing something for praise, it can make them less motivated to do anything of their own accord. In fact, it can lead to them taking less risks or doing anything new, as the praise can turn into pressure to do well.

Instead, we can help develop their intrinsic motivation – this is the kind of motivation that tells them when something is right, and recognises what actions help themselves or others. They are motivated to do an action for the action itself, rather than for praise or reward.

What can we say instead to build up their intrinsic motivation?

Once you become aware of how much we praise your child, it can be a shock when you catch yourself saying “good job” reflexively to any simple action. But when we’re aware of it, we can change it.

As a general guide, try thinking about what we would say to another adult when giving them feedback. We focus on the task at hand and really describe what we were impressed with.

Have a look at some examples here:

We should describe what we see. Factual descriptions help connect our descriptions with what the child has done:

“You took your plate to the kitchen.”

“You look really pleased with yourself.”

“You got dressed all by yourself.”

“You put the blocks in the basket and put them back on the shelf.”

“You used blue and red paint. I see a swirl over here.”

Sum it up with a word that isn’t “good.” this introduces your little one to new vocabulary and away from the generic blanket praise:

“You got dressed all by yourself. That’s what I call independence!”

“You got a tissue and wiped up the spill without me asking. That’s very resourceful!”

“You helped your sister get her favourite doll from her room. You’re being thoughtful!”

Describe how you feel. Instead of blanket praise, this helps communicate specifically how you feel about your toddler’s actions:

“I am so excited for you.”

“I am proud that you drew that all by yourself.”

“It feels lovely to walk into your playroom when everything has been put away.”

How do I give my toddler intrinsic feedback instead of blank praise?

Cultivating a growth mindset and intrinsic motivation spurs lifelong learning and development.