Calming a child down is one of a parent or caregiver’s key roles, but what is the best way to help them handle strong or “big” feelings? And why do some children find it harder to manage their emotions than others? Let’s start by looking at regulation.

What is emotional self-regulation? And what is emotional dysregulation?

Emotional regulation is our ability to adapt our emotions to our human experience in a socially acceptable way. While people can do this differently according to their cultural background, generation, education, and other individualisms, there’s a similar developmental process children undergo while their brains mature. Parents can be responsive and support this by acting as a role model and external regulator until children can self-regulate. Co-regulation can happen through touch—hugs tend to slow the heartbeat and promote an oxytocin release that calms us from birth—but as your child grows, you will need to teach them more verbal and relational skills that help them deal with difficult emotions.

Emotional dysregulation is the opposite—a disordered state in which emotional reactions are too extreme or otherwise inappropriate. The range of what’s considered developmentally normal is broad, but experts suggest that children should be capable of emotional regulation by the time they begin primary school.

How can I help my child with emotional self-regulation?

Calm yourself first.

Think about how you typically respond to your child’s big emotions. Mirroring them or becoming anxious or angry are unlikely to de-escalate the situation. You are only human, and taking time to examine how your child’s outbursts affect you before attempting to deal with them will benefit you both.

Ignore outbursts in an active way

Refusing to engage with undesirable behaviours—whining, screaming, etc.—can be challenging, especially for first-time parents, but is sometimes a very effective way to teach a child what does and does not get a response from you. This should not be your response to a child who is behaving violently towards you, has communication problems, or is at risk of harming themselves or others.

Create routines cooperatively and behave consistently.

Seeking a child’s input in the creation of their morning or sleep routine can make them more cooperative and likely to comply at times of the day where their circadian rhythm or energy levels encourage strong emotions. Your own consistent behaviour as the regulating force in their world—providing meals, snacks, physical activities, and wind-downs on a schedule—gets their brains and bodies working in harmony and also fosters a sense of trust and calm in children.

Model calm behaviour

This one is easier said than done—parents are only humans—but we are also our children’s primary role models and greatest teachers. Handling challenging situations in a calm manner, refusing to raise your voice or use foul language, and greeting poor etiquette with patience and good manners are just a few of the ways you can role model behaviour that helps children to regulate their emotions. You can also narrate your experience so it’s extra-clear what’s happened in your mind, e.g., “The bus driver was very rude today, but it’s important to respect our elders.”

Offer choices

Parents can forget how little control and autonomy a child might feel in daily life, especially if they have a child engaged in a lot of extracurricular activities or one that is cared for outside of the home after school. Having relatively little say in how your day goes can get to anyone, especially if they are hungry, lonely, or tired. Offering a choice of options that are acceptable to you can calm a child down immediately, either through pacification or distraction.

Avoid ‘timeouts’ and ‘the naughty step’

The authoritarian notion of isolating a child for a period of time as punishment for behaviour you find undesirable ignores what modern parents know about child brain development. Immature brains are neurologically incapable of regulating emotions in early childhood without some external support from a caregiver, and every brain is different—no child is inherently “worse” because they are less able to regulate than another. That said, if your child’s outbursts appear to be interfering with their healthy development or putting them at risk to themselves or others, you should speak to their doctor.

Try “Big Emotion Coaching” for your little person!

If you’ve checked out Unii’s Love, Sex, and Parenting Journey with Unii’s relationship coach Natalie Mossayebi, you’ll know American psychologist John Gottman as a couples’ relationship expert, but he also studied over 120 families to devise some straightforward emotional coaching techniques that can support your child’s development. According to his research, you can promote healthy emotional regulation through the consistent and empathetic practice of the following five-step method:

Awareness. Being aware of your child’s emotions is a manner that doesn’t dismiss, disapprove of, or shame them and lets your child feel seen and watched over. If a child learns their emotions matter and won’t upset or anger you, they are less likely to internalise or suppress them, which can lead to mood disorders like anxiety and depression later in life.

Recognition. Children understand more words than they speak. In recognising their emotions out loud with your words and some empathetic body language, you are teaching them a sophisticated emotional vocabulary that will help them express themselves.

Listening. Mindful listening, without pushing your own parental logic or agenda, is a great way to calm your child. Get down to their level, make eye contact, and ask questions. Repeat what you hear and respond emphatically and empathetically. Big emotions are a big deal! Showing your child that you regard their feelings as valid and significant will teach them to express themselves confidently. This is an important way that children learn to keep themselves safe.

Labelling. Being able to identify what you feel and why you are feeling it doesn’t come easy to grownups sometimes, but we know it’s a vital step towards resolving problems. Giving your child the age-appropriate tools they need to label a feeling and what’s causing it—whether it’s a colour, a cartoon, or a drawing—gets you that bit closer to a calmer child.

Limiting. Setting healthy limits and establishing boundaries is essential to emotional coaching. Reiterate that the feeling driving your child’s outburst is OK, but their response to it is inappropriate. Explain why and give examples. Stay curious and ask questions to ensure you and your child are understanding one another.

How do I discipline a child who is experiencing big emotions?

As mentioned above, an inability to manage big emotions is not a sign that a child is “bad,” just that they are neurologically immature. It is possible to discipline a child in a way that is loving and nurturing. In their book No Drama Discipline (‎Scribe UK; 2015), psychiatrist Dr. Daniel J. Siegel and psychotherapist Dr. Tina Payne Bryson recommend taking a two-phased approach that goes beyond the short-term cooperation every distressed parent seeks to give children the moral compass and conscientiousness that ensures good behaviour when authority figures are absent. Reaching the latter, a more long-term goal, makes you less likely to have to deal with the former on a regular basis.

So, how do you reach these discipline goals? For many parents, yelling and removing privileges or doling out some other punishment are natural reactions to bad behaviour. In Dr. Siegel and Dr. Bryson’s clinical experience, this response is not only ineffective but can be counterproductive, encouraging less cooperation and more emotional dysregulation. Instead, they recommend adopting the mantra “connect and redirect.” This means:

Connect

Giving your child your undivided attention.
Showing them you respect them enough to listen to them.
Stay curious about their perspective and respect their attempts at problem solving.
Communicating that you are on their side, whether you like their behaviour or not. Your relationship with them trumps everything else.

Seeking connection is not being a permissive parent. Siegel and Bryson describe a learning “sweet spot” where a child is neither too emotional (angry, upset) nor too listless (tired, inattentive) to engage with the lesson you’d like them to take from a disciplinary situation. Once a child is more regulated and you are certain they’re listening and understanding, you can calmly and clearly redirect their behaviour towards your healthy boundaries, the structure you should seek to impose on their daily lives, and the high expectations you may have of them. Redirection cannot be successful while a child’s emotions are running high, and so the authors recommend empathetic connection first. It has the long-term benefit of nurturing your bond with your child and lays the groundwork for building that moral compass and conscientiousness while a child is capable of engaging with what you are teaching. The root of the word “discipline,” as so many parenting books point out, is “disciple,” or one who follows a teacher.

So, how can you achieve redirection towards both your short- and long-term discipline goals? Each parenting situation is different. The authors suggest that you assess the situation at hand and attempt to redirect your child’s brain by taking a 1, 2, 3 approach.

Redirect

Understand just one definition of discipline: to teach. This means you consistently take just one approach to disciplining your child, the one that aims to make the situation a learning experience. So, you never start redirection by laying down the law with your child. Instead, you ask questions to gain an understanding of what they think happened and whether they understand their behaviour was wrong.

Establish two key principles: (i) Ensure your child is in an emotional state that makes them receptive to redirection (remember the learning “sweet spot"). (ii) Be consistent but not rigid with your rules. You should express rules your child is familiar with, but take each parenting situation as it comes and be flexible where it seems appropriate. Siegel and Bryson suggest that rigid implementation of rules—which is associated with more traditional, authoritarian styles of parenting—may come from a place of parental fear rather than pragmatism, and this isn’t always useful in reaching your disciplinary goals.

Remember the three outcomes you want to achieve: insight, empathy, integration, and repair of rupture.

(i) Insight refers to a better understanding of this individual child, how they think, and what extra help they may need from you going forward. The conversation involved in the connection stage also demands self-reflection of the child, which the authors write helps them to develop their rational, conscious mind in a way that lets them exert emotional control over their more basic, emotion-driven subconscious. Example questions: “Why did you grab the toy?” “Did you know it wasn’t yours?” “Why are you unhappy with what you have to play with?”

(ii) The empathy outcome is about building that moral compass in a child’s mind. We want to instil morality in children through reflection on how bad behaviour impacts others. Ask your child questions that prompt them to reflect on their actions, taking care to separate the action from the child you know and love. Example questions: “Do you see how taking the toy made your sister cry?” “Can you imagine how she might be feeling?” It’s OK if this makes them feel badly about something they’ve done. Discomfort makes the brain averse to repeating an action and further develops your child’s rational thinking. Plus, the more practice you give your child at understanding other people’s feelings, the more caring and empathetic they will grow!

(iii) Integration and repair of rupture. So, your child has connected and reflected. Now it’s time for some problem solving! How can they take what they’ve learned so far and use it to self-correct? Ask them directly and pose suggestions as questions when they struggle. Praise solutions they remember from previous experiences or come up with alone. “Look how happy your sister is to have her toy back! Do you see how happy you’ve made her?” The steps your child will need to take to repair a rupture may differ in each case, but the more opportunities a child has to resolve these situations with your help, the more their rational brain will develop and the less they will need your direction. This means you have reached your discipline goals!

For more information on supporting your child’s healthy development, check out Unii’s Toddler Health and Development Journey led by paediatrician Dr. Nisha Patel.

How do I help my child to manage their big emotions?

Unii looks at how to help your child to regulate, empathise and repair.