Sharing a bed with your preschooler can be just lovely. After all, we enjoy receiving our preschooler’s love as much as they do ours, and there’s no better way of showing it than a cosy bedtime snuggle. But after a time, small feet and hands poking at your back and legs as they shift around at night can begin to disturb your all-important sleep. Or perhaps a child sleeping in the middle of the bed prevents you and your partner from having a much-needed cuddle. Or maybe your little one is avoiding sleepovers with friends because they’re afraid to sleep without you.

Just like moving from nappies to underwear, from breast to bottle, moving from co to independent sleep is a normal part of growing up. That being said, it’s entirely normal for a family to co-sleep for as long as it suits them. Some co-sleep for two years, some co-sleep for ten. But it’s also entirely normal to want your bed back to yourself. If you think it might be time for your child to make the transition, we’ve put together a couple of strategies to make this big change as smooth as possible for everyone. But before we dive in, let’s quickly clarify what exactly we mean when we refer to independent sleep.

What is independent sleep?

When we speak of independent sleep, we’re talking about your child leaving your bed and bedroom behind to sleep in a room and bed of their own, both at night and during daily naps.

It is up to you and your family alone to decide whether the time is right to make the transition from co-sleeping to independent sleep. But if you’re feeling a little unsure, we’ve put together a few answers that should offer you some clarity.

Why should I move my child into their own bed?

Take some time to consider the following questions:

What is it about the family-sleep arrangement that bothers you? Is it that your little one wakes you up at night? Or, is everyone sleeping fairly well? Does it prevent private or intimate couple time? Are you concerned by what others think of your sleeping arrangement? Would you still be happy with the same routine in six months time?

Every family is different and there are no wrong or right answers! Your reasoning is always valid, but you shouldn’t make the switch purely because a friend or relative felt the need to share their opinion. Because frankly, it’s nobody’s business but yours and if it’s not what you really want, you may unintentionally send your child confusing mixed messages. The main thing to consider is whether you’re doing it safely, both for you and your child.

Understanding and accepting your reasons for making the change will help you to decide on a plan of action and choose the right strategies for you. Once you’ve decided, go forward with confidence but don’t feel the need to rush the process — it could take a few weeks for everyone to fully adapt to the new routine.

So, how do I help my child to sleep in their own bed?

Try as many or few of the following strategies as you like but remember to be calm, patient, and attentive. Your child is about to go through a pretty big change, and they’ll need your support throughout.

A step at a time

While this method might take some time, it should prove effective. Start by placing a small bed or cot next to your own bed. A comfy mattress on the floor will also suffice. Excitedly let your child know that going forward you’d love for them to sleep in the little bed, all for them. The idea is that the smaller bed gradually moves further and further from your own: first to the end of your bed, then to the other side of the room, beside your bedroom door, until finally they’re set up in their own room. The process could take weeks or months, depending on your child’s response.

It might take your little one some time to get used to being in bed without you, and if initially, they need you beside them, that’s okay! Sleep next to them in their bed (if there’s space), but gradually move further from them as they drift off. Be patient and attentive, and they’ll eventually find that your nearby presence is enough.

Sleep with them for a while

If you don’t fancy the hassle of moving a bed back and forth every few days, this method might be the one for you. After you’ve read them a story and they’re comfortably tucked up in bed, lie with your child as they drift off to sleep. It might be more comfortable for you if you set up a mattress next to their bed. Each night, hop out of their room for a minute or two to grab a glass of water or use the bathroom, letting them know you’ll be right back. Gradually extend the length of time you are gone, until eventually, they begin to fall asleep as they wait for you. As this happens more and more often and they — without even knowing it — get more and more comfortable sleeping on their own, you can replace “I’ll be right back” with “I’ll be back in the morning.”

Turn their bedroom into a sleeping space

If your child has been sleeping with you their whole life, their bedroom has probably become more of a playroom, and not a space that caters to sleep. If this is the case, it might be time to redecorate. Let them take part in the process, choosing new bedding, cushions and blankets, perhaps even painting the wall with their favourite colours. If they’re excited by their bedroom, they’re much more likely to embrace sleeping in their own bed come bedtime.

Give them permission to call you

If your child has always slept in your bed, they might not know that they have permission to call you to them during the night now that they’re sleeping alone. While no one especially likes to be woken at 3 am, your child is going through a big and potentially overwhelming change, so it’s important that you be attentive and patient, even in the early hours of the morning. Let them know they can call you when they’re scared or if they need a quick cuddle.

Give them some company

After three, four or five years of sleeping by your side, it’s a lot to ask of your child to suddenly sleep alone. But what if we can give them some company? Now don’t worry, we’re not asking you to buy them a puppy or kitten. A cuddly toy or the comforting tones of an audiobook might suffice, helping your child to feel less lonely. They might enjoy sharing with a sibling.

Special family bedtime

By purposefully setting aside some special time each week, spent snuggling in your bed, your child might find they get all the bedtime cuddles they need. Whether you let them join you in bed in the mornings or at weekends, find a system that works for you all.

Remember to prioritise safety during the transition and create a sleep environment that is conducive to healthy sleep habits. Consulting with healthcare professionals or sleep experts can provide more specific guidance based on your child's circumstances.

How do I help my child transition to independent sleep?

Help your child to get to sleep in their own room and without your presence.