We love to see our kids playing with their friends, whether they’re having a game of football, role-playing an old-fashioned tea party, or building a great big fort! It is during these group settings that they learn to share, to grow in confidence, to discuss, to think of others, and much much more. Group play, undoubtedly, is a very important part of preschool life.

But what if you notice your child sitting off to the side during a friend’s birthday party or playing on their own at the local park? Or perhaps their preschool teachers have been in touch letting you know that they're not engaging in group activities. When a child’s shyness gets in the way of their joining in, it is a tricky situation for both child and parent and requires a great deal of thoughtfulness and sensitivity. To help us help our kids, we first need to understand why some children develop shyness towards group play.

Why are some children shy in group settings?

It is a wonderful thing that everyone is born with different personalities and temperaments. For example, some are more outgoing and love to be exposed to new experiences, while others are a little more timid and approach new people, environments, and activities with trepidation. These innate characteristics cannot really be changed, and nor should they be. We love that everybody is unique! But it can sometimes be difficult for a more reserved child to make friends and join certain group activities that offer plenty of fun and several important learning opportunities.

The child who struggles in group settings is likely to be shy and quiet, so forcing them to participate will most probably intimidate them and only make them withdraw further.

So, how do we go about encouraging them to engage in group play without intimidating them?

How do we encourage a shy child to join in group play?

In this potentially sensitive situation, we favour a patient and systematic approach that may take some time, but will eventually encourage the child to participate and even enjoy group play. The following steps will be much easier to accomplish in a preschool setting, amongst plenty of other children, however, by including siblings, cousins and friends, you can try to get as close to the following situations as possible:

Set aside some time every day to sit with your child and read a story full of beautiful pictures. As you read to them, ask as many questions as you can think of.

‘What do you think he’s doing in this picture?’

‘Do you remember where we’ve seen this character before?’

‘How many animals can you count?’

Encourage your child to answer and offer plenty of praise, whether the answers prove right or wrong.

‘Good! Let’s have a go at counting them together this time.’

Continue these one-to-one sessions until your little one is showing enthusiasm and enjoyment, speaking often and freely. You can also substitute reading for a card game, drawing, or anything else that offers conversation.

After some time has passed, invite another child to join you both in your chosen activity — perhaps a friend from next door. Let’s imagine you’ve picked out an exciting new book. Individually ask the two children questions, providing lots of praise when they answer. If you find that the other child dominates the conversation, you can say, ‘Let’s give (your child’s name) a chance to answer this time.’ Encourage them further with praise, such as, ‘Wasn’t that clever of them to spot that?’.

When your child becomes more comfortable speaking with another child present, you can move on to the next step.

Although it might take some organising, try to gradually add more and more children to the little group you’ve set up. Again, this is much easier to achieve in a setting with plenty of kids about, however, do your best with the people around you. It’s important that you only add participants as your child is able to handle the growing group and mix things up by engaging in other activities, too.

Reinforce involvement in group activities

During these group settings that you and your child come across, choose a spot next to your little one and coax them to keep engaging with smiles and whispers of encouragement, but don’t feel the need to push them if they’re not ready.

How do I help my child with shyness in group settings?

Help your child be more outgoing in groups with Unii’s tips.