When many of us hear the words “Be kind to yourself. Show some self-compassion!”, we may roll our eyes and cringe, imagining that a cliched, over-the-top, self-love kind of lecture will soon follow. But that’s not what self-compassion really is.

Self-compassion is noticing that you’re having a hard time and making the choice to respond to yourself with some kindness and warmth, as you would to a friend. It’s so easy to forget that we have a pretty much constant internal monologue, which oftentimes isn’t very kind to us. And when you’re a parent, constantly thinking about and taking care of a couple of little people, it’s even harder to be nice to yourself. But we can choose to change that.In fact, it’s very important that we do!

Why is it so important to be kind to yourself?

Being kind to yourself promotes happiness and confidence, and also sets the tone for how others should treat you. What’s more, if we can get into a healthy habit of showing ourselves plenty of self-compassion, our kids will learn to do the same.

So, how exactly do we go about it?

How can I be kind to myself and show a little self-compassion?

First, notice when you aren’t being kind to yourself. It isn’t easy to get into the habit of noticing when you’re beating yourself up, but you can start by asking yourself throughout the day, “am I being kind to myself right now?” Don’t ignore it or get sucked in. Just acknowledge that you’re being too hard on yourself.

Respond to yourself as you would a close friend. You’ll find that you treat yourself harshest after a blowup with the kids or an argument with a partner, or maybe at the end of the day, lying in bed, wondering if you’re a good enough parent. All of these are common triggers for self-deprecation to snake its way in. But next time it happens, imagine it’s your best friend and not you who’s found themselves in this situation and they’ve called you up, feeling guilty and ashamed. Chances are you wouldn’t start aggressively accusing them. Instead, you’d probably say something along the lines of, “It’s okay! These things happen, especially when you’re tired and raising a child who needs your constant attention. It’s hard and you’re only human! Take a few deep breaths and have a cup of tea.”

Next time you catch your mind being unkind to you, treat yourself as you would your friend and show yourself the compassion you deserve. Stick to kindness, even saying things out loud, and eventually, you’ll hear yourself.

Remember, you’re not alone. When you’ve had a terrible week, with several arguments with the kids and very little sleep, it can feel like you’re the only person who feels this way. That you are the only person who loses it with their kids. And before you know it, you’re silently beating yourself up and despairing that things will never get better. But you aren’t the only one struggling with this. All parents feel this way at times. You are by no means a failure; you’re a human being like the rest of us! It only takes a phone call with a fellow parent to remind you of this.

Try doing something nice for yourself if you find the words just won’t come. If you find it difficult to mutter kind words to yourself or even think of them without speaking, you can show yourself some compassion by doing something you enjoy. Let the kids know that you need a little quiet time and then put the TV on for them whilst you snuggle up in a blanket and text a friend, read a book, or just have a stretch.

Remember that kindness is a skill that needs practice. Self-compassion and kindness don’t always come naturally, especially after years of being far too harsh on yourself, so take it nice and slow to begin with, smiling at yourself in the mirror and acknowledging when you did something well.

Spend time with compassionate people. Feeling compassionate towards yourself is also easier if you surround yourself with people who exude compassion and always treat you with kindness. Find those people and keep them around.

How do I learn to be kind to myself?