How do you positively discipline a child who calls people names? What is the psychology behind name-calling? As a parent, we generally imagine that the silly names kids call one another, seemingly without much thought, can simply be shrugged off. After all, being called a ‘crybaby’ or a ‘silly billy’ won’t do you, as an adult, much harm. But if you think back to your own childhood, at some point almost all of us were called names, names that no matter how hard we tried to ignore, really got to us.

When a child’s self-image, self-esteem and confidence are still being shaped and grown, repeated taunts and unkind labels can do real harm. So it’s important that we do our best to quash this behaviour in our kids.

And to do so, it helps to first understand why children resort to name-calling.

Why do kids name-call?

When children name-call, it doesn’t always come from a place of malice. It may have simply begun as they made observations about others that caused strong reactions. You see, a great deal of unwanted and harmful behaviours that children repeatedly exhibit boil down to a need for attention. They call another child a mean name, and that child inevitably bursts into tears, which in turn draws the attention of a nearby adult. By simply uttering a short phrase, they get two large reactions and twice the amount of attention, even if it is negative.

Sometimes the behaviour extends past attention and is intended to hurt others. And oftentimes, when children try to hurt others, they do so because their own self-esteem is low and they feel the need to inflict the same feelings of hurt on others.

And finally, they might be misbehaving and name-calling out of boredom or frustration.

So, how do you prevent your child from name-calling?

How do I prevent my child from name-calling?

Although being called names by your child will likely have very little effect on you, repeated name-calling can be damaging to other children, harming their self-image and confidence. So it’s important that we, as parents, do our best to prevent this behaviour in our own kids. If they’re name-calling because they’re feeling bored or frustrated, consider their environment. Are there enough exciting toys and activities available? Are there other children for them to engage with in play?

However, if you think their tendency to name-call comes from a place of malice or feelings of neglect, there are some steps that you, as a parent, can take:

Reinforce positive behaviours through praise

Do your best to reinforce positive and appropriate behaviours by praising and commenting on any positive interactions involving your preschooler. Let them know how pleased you are and try to phrase your words in such a way that lets them know that it is nice to make others feel good. For example, say your child and a friend are busy building and playing with a train set, you might say something along the lines of, ‘That train set you and Emily are building looks fantastic! Doesn’t it make you both feel really great to be working together so well?’

This will especially help those children who are suffering from low self-esteem issues.

Ignore

When a child name-calls, it’s relatively easy for an adult to simply ignore it and get on with things. However, when it comes to other children, it’s difficult for them not to react when someone throws an unflattering label their way. So if your child has called another child a mean name, there are a few steps you should take to help them to ignore it, too.

Let’s imagine that your little one has adopted the phrase ‘crybaby’, and it comes out often and at random. Perhaps you’re at home, sitting on the sofa reading a book, whilst your preschooler and a friend from across the street are playing with a pile of colourful lego. And all of a sudden, you hear them utter their favourite unfriendly name under their breath. What should you do?

Place yourself between the children, facing the ‘victim’, your back to your own child. If possible, move the other child away from the situation and as you do so, make conversation unrelated to the incident. If they complain about the name-calling, simply say, ‘I know. It’s not nice to be called that. We have to help them learn to come up with better names for their friends.’ In this way, you establish that name-calling doesn’t justify attention and you acknowledge that the behaviour is unpleasant while enlisting the victim’s help to change your child’s behaviour. By removing the victim, their reaction cannot reinforce the name-calling. A few minutes after the incident has happened, be sure to make a point of going over to your own child and giving them attention unrelated to the incident. Ideally, if the opportunity arises, praise them for good behaviour.

If you are in someone else’s home, the situation may become a little more complicated. However, if anyone understands the difficulties involved in raising a child, it is fellow parents. So, simply explain on arrival that name-calling has become somewhat of a habit and that the best strategy is to avoid giving this behaviour attention. The focus should be on the child who has been called names, while the hurtful behaviour is given as little attention as possible.

How do I prevent my child from name-calling?

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