If you look back at your own early childhood, especially if you had siblings or close cousins, you will likely remember a few arguments that got out of hand and turned physical. Physically hurting others is a fairly common trait in preschoolers because it is at this age that they learn how to socialise and communicate. They learn that hurting others is unacceptable and that sharing might be difficult but it’s the right thing to do. They are still in the process of learning how to make friends!

When our kids hurt someone, whether it’s a friend or another child at the playground, we may feel a degree of embarrassment or shame. But it’s important for parents to understand that this behaviour is normal in little preschoolers learning to be functioning members of society.

Having said this, it’s important that we do our best to prevent behaviours such as hitting, pinching, kicking and pushing, and teach our kids that they are unacceptable. And by first understanding why they hurt others, we’re better equipped to go about preventing them from doing so in future.

Why do kids hurt others?

Perhaps they’ve been left out of a fun game, maybe you didn’t serve them lunch in their favourite bowl, or it could be as simple as their being tired. Lots of things rile our kids up and eventually lead to them taking their frustrations out on others. Ultimately, these behaviours stem from anger, a tricky emotion that even some adults struggle to control. It’s crucial to identify the root of their actions in order to transform their behaviour.

It’s also important to remember that your child’s emotional intelligence is still relatively undeveloped. So, just because they hurt someone doesn’t mean they are doing so with malicious intent.

Now, let’s take a look at how you can stop your child from hurting others.

How do I prevent my child from hurting others?

Our natural response when our children hurt someone, or even us, is to punish and lecture them. But neither will effectively stop a child from hurting others because it doesn't help them to cope with their feelings or teach them to control their temper.

Sometimes the triggers are more obvious and can easily be avoided. If busy areas full of people tend to make them angry, try as best you can to remove them from crowded spaces. Or it could be that they hurt others when they’re bored, so keep a favourite toy on hand or engage them with a game of ‘I Spy’. But it’s not always this simple.

You will no doubt agree that it’s preferable to prevent a situation that leads to your child becoming angry and hurting someone than to let the scenario play out and then take steps to repair it. From having seen them get angry and hurt you or others, you can likely predict when it's going to happen again. So if you notice them getting angry, do 1 of 2 things:

If your preschooler is receptive to conversation, calmly crouch down to their level and talk to them. Discuss how they are feeling and do your best to calm them.

If they don’t respond to talking, gently put your arms around them in such a way that conveys concern and also a need to stop them from being violent. But it’s very important that you don’t express anger. You cannot fight anger with anger. Hold them until you feel their body relax and give them a hug as you let them know you are very glad they didn’t hurt anybody.

Here are some more effective methods for preventing your child from hurting others:

Praise

When you praise your child’s positive interactions, they learn that they get as much attention for behaving well, and what’s more, it is positive attention. Praising their appropriate behaviours encourages them to keep them up. As a side note, avoid referring to negative behaviours and words, such as ‘don’t’ and ‘stop’, and focus on the positives!

Time-out

If your child has hurt a sibling or friend, first check that the other child is all right, then calmly take them to a quiet area for a time-out. Let them know, in just a few words, that they can’t be allowed to hurt others, so they need to stay in time-out. When the time is up, there’s no need to lecture or punish them further. Instead, suggest a task for them to get on with.

Help them learn to control their impulse to hurt others

It’s very important that your child knows anger to be a natural emotion, and that there is nothing wrong with feeling frustrated. However, hurting others out of anger is not an acceptable solution.

Try to set aside 5 to 10 minutes every day to discuss different emotions and work together with your child on how best to deal with them. And during those 5 minutes, use the following 4 steps as a guideline for discussion:

Begin by discussing distinct scenarios that evoke different emotions.

For example, ”This morning my best friend, Kate, came over, and we had so much fun together. I was so excited to see her, I felt like dancing! It made me feel wonderful inside! What makes you feel happy?”

If they respond, ask them for more details and if they don’t, provide a few simple examples, like eating your favourite food. Following that, go on to discuss other feelings, like sadness, providing yet another example, before eventually discussing anger.

“You know, sometimes I get really cross. Yesterday I missed the bus, and it made me feel angry. What makes you angry?”

Share a few more examples of what angers you and encourage your little one to do the same. Help them to verbalise the situations if need be. After they have acknowledged that different situations lead us to feel different emotions, ask them such questions as ‘How does it make you feel inside when you are happy?’

The next step is to discuss what the child does to express their emotions. If they tell you that they bite and pull hair when they are angry, don’t express dismay or begin to lecture them. Instead, keep discussing the different emotions and how we have different reactions to each.

Following this, tell them you want to explore different ways of reacting to emotions. For example, if you ask them how they react when they are happy, and they say “smile”, ask them what else they could do to express their happiness. Have fun exploring different expressions of happiness, whether it’s singing, dancing or even jumping up and down. Eventually, you can come to discuss anger and ask them how, besides hurting others, they can express this emotion.

This might prove more difficult, so coax the conversation and help them. It could be to talk to the person who made them angry or to take the anger out on a cushion or pillow. Maybe they could try running up and down the stairs to burn some pent-up energy, or simply talk to an adult and ask for help.

Finally, when something happens during the day, condense the process and ask them what the problem is, how they’re feeling, and what they could do to relieve their anger. Encourage them to verbalise their emotions and any alternative actions they can take. Take every opportunity to discuss emotions, both positive and negative, and how we might deal with them.

How do I stop my child from hurting others?

Unii shares how to confront this difficult behaviour.