How do I talk to my child whilst I'm disciplining them?

Your child is going through a rather mischievous phase, rarely doing what you ask of them, and barely listening, no matter how many times you repeat yourself. This morning, it took a whole 30 minutes to get them dressed, and trying to get them to leave the playground was a nightmare!

They respond perfectly well to their teacher, and even the babysitter can put them in their place. So why don’t they listen to you? Why won’t they do as you ask?

First of all, know that this is perfectly normal. Children go through mischievous phases and almost always misbehave around their parents more than any other adults (because they feel entirely safe around you). But that’s not to say that you can’t turn things around and encourage cooperation through your delivery and use of language.

Before we discuss how to talk to your child, we want to quickly recap the true meaning of discipline, because it’s a word that’s so often misconstrued.

What do we mean by discipline?

So, when we talk about disciplining a child, the aim is to teach a child how to behave and act, not punish them when they misbehave. This means that delivering directions as to how to behave is as important, if not more important, than a telling-off or a lecture. So if you’ve come here looking to find out how to tell your child off, it’s time to shift your thinking and instead think of discipline as teachable moments.

And now, let’s explore why the delivery of instructions is so important.

Why is my deliverance important when disciplining my child?

When giving directions, delivery is hugely important. If we say them too quietly or mix up our words, the person on the receiving end has very little chance of understanding them properly, but even more so when it comes to children. For an excited child who is constantly wanting to play with this or run over to that, it can be difficult to get them to do what you want or expect.

So, we’ve put together a short list of delivery cues that will help you teach your child to behave.

How do I talk to my child when disciplining?

Connect before speaking. Before you give them any directions, squat down to your child’s eye level and use their name. That way, they’ll find it easier to focus on what you’re saying. You should also apply the same courtesy when listening to your child.

Keep it brief and simple. Try to use short sentences or single words when giving directions to your little one. Too much speech can confuse a child and lead them to believe that you’re not entirely sure what you want to say.

Have them repeat things back to you. This is a useful test because if they’re unable to do so, the direction is probably too long and complicated for them and needs simplifying.

Use “when” and “then”. Instead of saying “If you brush your teeth, I’ll read you a story”, which tells your child they have a choice, try “When you brush your teeth, then I‘ll tell you a story.” The when implies that you expect obedience when you don’t mean to give a choice.

Give choices. That being said, choices are really useful when it comes to directions because children thrive when they feel they have a say. So ask them if they’d like to brush their teeth or wash their face first, or whether they’d like to wear their orange or green shirt. Giving them choices will also do wonders for their confidence.

Legs first, then mouth. Yelling from another room rarely works because children don’t perceive these to be serious requests, but actions speak louder than words. So, next time dinner is ready, walk into the living room, engage your child, and then let them know it’s time to come to the table.

Write them notes. Our reminders can quickly evolve into nagging, even if we’re simply trying to help. But a written note left here and there can communicate whatever needs to be said without a word leaving your mouth. Notes can also become a fun back-and-forth that the whole family enjoys, so draw a smiley face or a funny picture if you think they’ll like it.

Check your tone, volume, and choice of words. Sometimes, when we try to direct our kids, they can feel frustrated, feel overwhelmed, and start yelling. But as they get louder, it’s important for you to get quieter and adopt a soothing tone. You should also keep phrases such as “I understand” and “Can I help?” in your wheelhouse to calm them when necessary. If they haven’t calmed down, the instructions aren’t going to sink in. We also suggest that you avoid beginning directions with “you” because these can often feel accusatory. “I would like you to pick up your coat” is much kinder than “You need to pick up your coat.”

Be prepared to close the discussion. If a matter really isn’t up for discussion, simply tell them “I’m not changing my mind about this, sorry.” and be done with it. Reserve a particularly serious tone of voice for these scenarios.

How do I talk to my child as I'm disciplining them?