Your toddler has their friend around for a play date. At first, it seems like everything is going smoothly, but suddenly one toddler yanks a toy away from the other. Then there’s the calm before the storm, and you can see tears well up in their eyes. Then comes the crying and screaming, and before you know it you’ve had to separate the two, perhaps having to tell one of them off. Surely there’s a more constructive way to handle toddler arguments? How can I turn this into a teachable moment?

People fight. Teenagers fight, parents fight, and adults fight. So, it’s hardly the case that toddlers are unique in their ability to argue!

However, one of the reasons that toddler fights can escalate quickly is that young children find it difficult to self-regulate their emotions. They are constantly learning how to read social cues, and this can be made all the harder when interacting with someone who is also learning the rules.

Fortunately, these arguments can be turned into teachable moments. The way a child learns how to deal with conflict can influence how they deal with arguments when they’re older. Every argument a toddler has is an opportunity to learn!

So, how do we turn these instances of conflict into teachable moments for both children?

How can I turn conflict into teachable moments?

Here are our tips and strategies for helping your children learn from these arguments:

Shift your perspective. Instead of seeing it as a fight, look at it as a chance to help them learn how to solve problems.

Be glad that they’re having a conflict in your home. It is so much easier to defuse situations in your house than it is at school or out in public.

Remember that children are still learning. Your toddler is not born with a full set of social skills. Keep this in mind, and don’t stress if they don’t automatically understand what you’re saying.

You don't need to add yelling into the mix. You are the adult in the situation. If you start screaming, then the involved children will just scream louder to match you!

Don’t intervene straight away. If no one is in danger of being physically harmed, give them a moment to use the tools they’ve learnt to try to figure things out on their own. You may be pleasantly surprised at how things easily get resolved by themselves.

When things start going downhill, call out from the other room: “Do you need an adult?” This lets the children know that you’re aware of the situation, and that they need to find a resolution quickly or an adult will get involved. They usually don’t want adults to intervene, so this may encourage them to find a solution among themselves. If things get bad, one child might say that they need an adult, and that’s when you can step into the room.

If the children are really getting stressed, say, “hands on your heads!” This can help focus them and take their attention away from the conflict. You can also name other body parts, such as the tummy, shoulders, knees etc. When they’ve calmed down a bit, then you can start talking through the situation.

Use a quiet space. If you’ve resolved the argument, but one child doesn’t like the end decision, invite them to find a quiet space to sit and think, and then discuss it with them afterwards. Space and time give them a chance to de-stress and be heard, just like with adults!

Afterwards, teach them some helpful words they can use in the future. For example: “When you’re done, can I have a turn?” or “I’d like to play with this toy a bit more. You can have it after I’m done.” This might seem counter-intuitive, but try not to place too much importance on saying please. The reason for this is that a child might simply think “Please” means that the other child must hand over their toy, regardless of how long they’ve been playing with it. Of course, it is important that children learn manners, but in terms of conflict resolution it can be counter-productive.

By teaching them the tools to sort it out by themselves, we’re giving them the tools to be independent. Nobody likes someone who tattles, so if a child runs to you accusing someone of something, you could say “have you tried talking to them about it?” That said, you should make it clear that if anyone is getting physical, they should tell you right away.

At the end of the day, children will inevitably fight sometimes. They’re still learning self-control, and our job as a parent is to model appropriate behaviour. Remind yourself that they are not born with conflict-solving skills - they learn them from us.

How do I turn toddler conflicts into teachable moments?

Turning toddler conflicts into teachable moments is an effective way to help them learn important social and emotional skills.