How do I understand my child better?

Parenthood is an adventure! And it’s a challenging one. But among the challenges are opportunities to deepen your self-understanding, become more present and emotionally mature, and see life through a whole new lens of wondrous awe and amazement.

As parents, we instinctively want to create the healthiest and happiest environments for our little ones. So to help you on your quest for building a happy home, we’d love to offer you a few tools that can support you to understand your child more deeply.

Tools for deepening my relationship with my child

Mindfulness: staying present in the moment

When we live in a state of presence, we are aware of our thoughts and feelings and also that of our children. When we are truly present within our own experience, we can stay present to the responses of our children in a considered way. Mindfulness allows us to really be there with our child, not just physically.

Children learn about who they are by how we respond to them, absorbing all they see and hear as a sponge does to water. If we’re too preoccupied with the past or worrying about the future, we are not being present with our children - and they will sense it. While our children don't need us to be present 100% of the time (which isn’t actually possible), they do require us to be present during our interactions with them. A way of staying present with your child is to actively listen and reflect back to them what they say. If you realise that your mind is wandering - which every mind does - try becoming mindful of your breathing to bring you back to the present moment.

See parenting as an opportunity to look at unhelpful beliefs from childhood

One of the reasons why children are our greatest teachers is that they challenge us to grow and explore issues leftover from our childhood. But this is also one of the many reasons why parenting can be so difficult at times.

How you approach these challenges is the most important thing - approaching them with resistance and rigidity can make parenting feel hard and unpleasant, but approaching them with curiosity to learn can make parenting feel like an exciting adventure. This also helps you to continue to grow and develop as a person and a parent.

Have you ever heard of neuroplasticity? It essentially means that your brain can modify and change in response to a certain experience. Our role as a parent gives us the amazing opportunity to consider new ways of thinking and being that help us become more open and curious about how our children are exploring and interacting with the world. We can literally train our brains to respond differently.

So when you feel yourself getting angry or frustrated with your child, try and figure out what belief is underneath that reaction, and inquire into where in your life this belief first formed.

Response flexibility: moving from reactivity to response

Yes, we know, responding flexibly isn’t always the easiest thing to do as a parent, but it has a huge impact on how our children also develop their own flexibility.

Response flexibility speaks to the idea of being responsive rather than reactive. Again, this is achieved by being intentional and purposeful, rather than having a “knee-jerk” reaction. Response flexibility requires patience, presence and an ability to sit in the discomfort of a stressful moment. So when your child is still climbing up that tree, even though you've asked them not to at least 5 times, take a deep breath and allow the emotion to move through you.

We understand that when you’re not resourced - ie. you’re sleep deprived, hungry or stressed - your capacity to respond flexibly is hindered dramatically. So to an extent, your ability to self-reflect and respond in healthy ways depends on how calm and at ease you feel in yourself. So whether you favour a bath, a nice long walk, a relaxing meditation, or a session of yoga, find those moments in your day to take time for yourself, to calm and relax your mind and body.

Mindsight: The ability to perceive your own mind as well as your child’s

This ability means we can focus on our thoughts, feelings, memories, beliefs, attitudes and intentions, as well as those of our child.

It’s easy for parents to only see (and judge) what’s going on with their children on a surface level, rather than understanding the deeper reasons underneath. Understanding your child’s behaviour on a deeper level will help you understand the “why” behind their behaviour and help bring more compassion and understanding to your interaction with them.

So when your child is being particularly difficult, maybe ask them “I see you’re upset, is there anything you need right now?”

Joyful living: Seeing the world through your child’s eyes

Sharing in your child’s joy, awe and wonder of the world is crucial to their development of a positive sense of self.

We understand that being a parent can feel a little like Groundhog day sometimes! But treating every day as a new day, full of rich learning and new opportunities for self-discovery, brings an underlying sense of aliveness to your life that your child will truly benefit from.

Every day, make a point of really watching your child and putting yourself in their shoes - How do they see the world? What are they paying attention to? What amazes and delights them?

Putting these tools into practice:

Learning to be more present with our children and communicating in ways that help them feel understood takes practice and consistent effort. Here are a few ways that you can incorporate the above tools so that you can bring more joy and understanding to your interactions with your child.

When you’re interacting with your child, try to be as present as possible. Put your phone and any distractions away, look them directly in the eyes and speak clearly and intentionally. Be aware of your gestures and tones of voice, and soften your body and facial features. Listen deeply to your child. Creating an environment of openness lets your child know you are curious about their experience.
If your child is having a difficult moment, invite them to share their thoughts and feelings and do your best to listen and reflect back to them what they have said. This lets your child know that they are seen and heard, which is absolutely vital to a child’s development.

Practise seeing your environment as your child does - with awe and wonder. Next time you go for a walk in the park, breathe in the air, listen to the birds and activate all your senses allowing yourself to be fully present in the beautiful moment you’re experiencing.

Take time out. We know it’s not always easy to find any time at all for yourself when you’re a parent but it is so important that you have moments to recentre and come back to a place of calm so you can better handle unexpected challenging moments.

How do I understand my child better?

Unii shares how you can get to know your child better.