The more we understand and make sense of our own experiences of childhood, the more we can respond to our children in a way that truly supports their development.

It’s not uncommon to treat your children in ways that you were treated as a child; you may find yourself in unhelpful, repetitive patterns that don’t support the nurturing, loving relationships you envisioned when you first began your parenting adventure. You’re not alone! It’s only natural to find yourself reacting to your children in the same ways your parents reacted to you when you were a child.

But when you can make sense of your past and the reasons for doing what you do, you essentially begin to break past patterns and create more helpful and nurturing ways of being that serve you and your children. Understanding your childhood means you can communicate more effectively and are better able to respond to your child instead of reacting to them.

Why understanding your childhood helps the development of your child

Simply put, understanding ourselves better creates an environment of safety and security for our children that helps them thrive.

Remember, your early childhood experiences do not determine your fate as a parent. Even if you had a difficult upbringing, it is simply an understanding of those experiences that can bring about a profound transformation of the way you parent. Becoming a parent is an incredible opportunity for you to grow as an individual and free yourself from the past patterns that keep you stuck in the present.

By understanding your emotional reactions and perceptions of the past, you begin to deepen your understanding of your child and can relate to them on a much deeper level. No one had a “perfect childhood” some of you may have even had overwhelmingly difficult childhoods, but the more you as a parent are willing to lean into these difficult experiences with curiosity and compassion, the more meaningful and joyful your relationships will be with your children. As challenging as it is to process and work through your “stuff”, the rewards are endless!

One of the significant benefits of understanding our early childhood experiences is how we communicate with our children. Understanding our early environment helps us see life through our child’s eyes; we begin to increase our capacity to understand our child and can have sensitive conversations that build security, trust and deeper connection.

Without self-reflection, we risk recreating similar unhealthy environments that we experienced as children, and the cycle continues.

Practical ways to understand your past:

Understanding our past experiences isn’t always easy, but it can be very rewarding. Here are a few ways to begin exploring your childhood that feel light and intriguing rather than heavy and uncomfortable.

Making peace with the past. It is important to fully accept that not only is it inevitable, but it is completely natural that past events will affect your present experiences. You are who you are today because of your past experiences. Full acceptance is the key. It’s also important to let go of any grudges you may be holding onto and understand that your caregivers were doing their best with the information they had.
Let go of self-judgement. With every unhelpful pattern you come up against you have the opportunity to grow and learn and evolve into healthier ways of being. Be easy on yourself when you notice yourself falling back into old patterns and instead see them as opportunities to learn.
Question where your reactions have come from. Now you’ve normalised and accepted that your reactions are a result of your past, when you notice yourself in reaction mode, reflect on where these behaviours have come from and why. It might be helpful to journal and/or discuss with your partner or a trusted friend.
Soothing. When your child is being particularly hard to handle and you find yourself going into reaction mode, ask yourself what you would have needed when you were having this experience as a child? In what ways can you help your child to feel safe and understood right now? Most people were not brought up by adults who were themselves soothed so reflecting on how to soothe yourself and your child in moments of distress can be a valuable tool.

Below is a table created by philosopher and author Alain de Botton, founder of global Organisation, The School Of Life.

It gives a helpful, not to mention illuminating insight into how our behaviours as adults have been inherited from our childhood experiences. Its purpose is to help us understand the logic of our behaviours, so we can avoid passing them down to the next generation.

Childhood difficulty	Adult consequence
A sense of being shamed	Feelings of dread, catastrophe, apprehension
Terror of being thought ‘dirty’ or bad	Inhibition (especially around sex), timidity, people-pleasing
Enraged parent	Unnatural shyness/meekness, attraction to difficult cases
Unreliable love	Avoidant behaviour: detachment, overly independent nature
A sense of not mattering	Over-achievement, development of false self
Parental snobbery	Excessive focus on material achievements, no feeling of “mattering” for oneself, distrust
Love combined with neglect	Unreliability in partners
Depressed parent	Exaggerated jolliness: always ‘the entertainer’
Excessive criticism	Paranoia, shame, low self-esteem

Resources that can help you understand your childhood better such as the above table, can be a great start to understanding the “why” of your behaviour. There are many books, articles and videos that can help facilitate this understanding.

How does understanding my childhood help me build a more nurturing relationship with my child?

The child is father to the man, as Wordsworth wrote.