We love our children and want nothing but the very best for them, but sometimes - and there’s no shame in admitting it - they do get us riled up. Before we know it, we’re angry, they’re crying, and no one’s happy. We mustn’t forget that a preschooler’s world is an exciting but sometimes daunting place, and everything they see and hear shapes the way they think. This means that our responses to unwanted behaviour carry weight and require some consideration.

So, how should we respond when they're misbehaving?

6 methods of response to unwanted behaviour

Check that they understand

Your child still hasn’t put their toys away before lunch and you’ve already told them twice! They’re messing around and you’re getting impatient, but before you respond, there’s a useful phrase to bear in mind.

Reminders come before reprimands.

Ask them first if they know what they should be doing and if they’re not sure, offer clear and simple instructions. Then it’s up to them if they want to try on their own or have some help. Just don’t forget to give praise when they do well!

Give them a chance

You’ve made sure they understand the task at hand, but they’re still not getting the message. You stand over them waiting and watching the clock, willing them to put the toys back in the toy box. But ask yourself this, if your boss tells you to do something and then hovers beside you, watching your every move until the task is finished, do you think the task becomes easier or more difficult and will it take less or more time?

For most, someone watching over them as they’re working away is the opposite of helpful. When we ask our kids to do something, we often stand over them, waiting somewhat impatiently, but just like us, 3 - 5-year-olds enjoy their own space. Instead, you might let them know you will come back later to check how they are doing or use the magic ‘one, two, three’ method. For some reason, counting to three in a calm, non-threatening manner, often gets kids to speed right up. You could also try having fun with this and say something along the lines of, ‘I wonder if you could finish putting your toys away before I finish singing this song!’

Encourage communication

Preschool children will often misbehave because they’re struggling to vocalise their feelings. They may aggressively grab a toy from your hand because they don’t yet have the language to say, ‘please may I have that toy’. Or maybe they don’t reach for the toy but simply begin crying, this time because they don’t know how to tell you they’re feeling sad without it. So, we must encourage them to describe how they’re feeling and provide them with the vocabulary to name their emotions. For example, ‘I know you’re feeling sad’ or ‘are you feeling angry?’

When children possess the words to describe their difficult emotions, they’re less confused by their feelings, and in turn, feel less frustrated.

Help them when they’re stressed

Sometimes children can be rather stubborn, and get overwhelmed and stressed when things aren’t going their way.

Let’s imagine that they’re still refusing to put their toys away and now they scream, ‘I'm not hungry!’. Before long the tears begin to flow. When this happens you can:

Direct them to a quiet space to calm down.

Admit that you might not have said things clearly the first time and you’ll try again a different way.

There’s so much going on in their little heads, and they’re constantly exposed to things that they don’t really understand, so even if they’re showing defiant behaviour, give them another chance to calm down and process. A glass of water might also help to calm them down.

Give them a choice of consequences

If you’ve tried all of the above, and nothing’s working, try offering them a choice of consequences. When we talk about consequences, we’re letting them know that certain behaviours bring good things, while unhelpful and hurtful behaviours bring about unwanted things.

In this case, we might tell them, ‘If you put your toys away now and come to the table, we can get them out again later and play a game together. If you don’t, they’ll go away for the rest of the day.’

Just make sure that the consequences are linked to your child’s behaviour and that they occur promptly. Being rewarded or punished after an event proves much less effective. It’s also important that you don’t begin with this tactic or use it at the height of an emotional outburst when your child is in no position to make decisions.

Manage conflict

Let’s imagine another scenario. Perhaps you’re at the local shop with your preschooler and you’ve just passed a toy stand. Lo and behold, your child wants something, and they want it very badly. And before long they’re demanding the toy and crying when you say ‘no’. How do you deal with a situation like this?

Try one of the following three strategies:

Sometimes it is necessary to dig your heels in. The house is full of toys that nobody plays with, not to mention that Auntie Alice bought them a brand-new toy just the other day. But try to remain calm and make sure to acknowledge that your child is upset and offer them comfort.

Offer a compromise and be willing to negotiate.

Have a problem-solving conversation and see if there is something they would like that you feel more comfortable buying, perhaps a book.

Conflict is inevitable, but we can choose to manage the situation rationally.

As a final note, don’t forget to check yourself! Children often model their behaviour on their parents, so make sure you’re exhibiting healthy habits and be sure to celebrate their successes. Every step in the right direction, small or big, should be celebrated! If they don’t associate correct behaviours with praise, they won’t make any effort to keep them up.

How should we respond to unwanted behaviour?

The preschool years can be challenging. Unii has you covered.