Your toddler, almost two, tries to crawl into their little newborn sister’s pram. You can see that they will break it if they keep trying to fit their two-year-old body into a baby-sized pram, so you firmly but lovingly say to your toddler, “hey, sweetie, you’re too big for that. Could you get out, please?”

Your toddler looks you sternly in the eye with their back straight and exclaims with conviction, “No!” You’re completely shocked. You’ve never heard such disobedience from your usually agreeable little one. And this wasn’t just your average messing around kind of “No”. This was a firm, assured, defiant, rebellious kind of “No”.

Although this act of rebellion may put the ‘fear of God’ in you as a parent, we want to congratulate you because this, ladies and gentlemen, signifies the shift from baby to toddler!

The moment when your child begins to assert themselves in this defiant way is exactly when they grow out of the baby stage and move into the toddler stage. This defiant “No” is a huge milestone for you and your little one and is nothing to be afraid of.

Why is your toddler’s “No” so important?

It’s a huge developmental milestone; your child is moving from baby to toddler.

Your child is learning that they have an opinion about something when previously they didn’t know they had an opinion to express.

These tiny little humans have thoughts, feelings, emotions, and opinions that they can’t share with you effectively, so a “No” is a huge turning point in their self-expression.

This is the moment you really get to know your little one and what they’re about. This signifies growth.

A little bit more of their personality is creeping in. You’re getting to understand their wants and needs.

They are discovering and testing their own limits, as well as yours.

We understand that it’s scary. You go to birthing classes to help you prepare for when the baby arrives, but when your baby grows up and expresses their wild emotions by throwing a cup of juice against the wall – nothing prepares you for that!

No one ever congratulates you on having a toddler. Normally when you’re in conversation with other parents, and you say you have a two-year-old, there’s a look of concern smeared across their face that reads, “oh dear, poor you.”

We want to redefine the toddler stage. As parents, this is not about merely surviving the toddler stage; this is about thriving through it! But first, we have to reframe the idea that the “twos” are “terrible”.

How about we instead reframe “the terrible twos” as “the terrific twos”?

How do we reframe the terrible twos as the terrific twos?

Yes, we know. You’re probably rolling your eyes right now. You’re probably thinking – how can I see my toddler as terrific when they scream at me in public and hit me when they don’t get their way? We hear you, but we want you to know that you have a choice. Either believe toddlers are terrible and continuously feel frustrated and defensive, or see the beauty in it and find ways to navigate this exciting phase!

Let’s point out a few things that may help you rethink this “terrible” phase.

Having a toddler is like a rite of passage. An entry into a whole new level of parenting. This is when parenting gets fun as well as fascinating.

Remember, it’s tough for a toddler. A cookie breaking in half feels like the world is collapsing. A situation might not feel as devastating to an adult, but to a toddler, it’s very real, and it hurts.

No matter what the situation, your child is never terrible. Something terrible may have happened, and they are expressing strong emotions about it. Terrible to your child, not to you.

We are not here to win against our toddler. Expressions you may have heard from other parents, such as, “Just put your foot down”, “You need to tell them No,” or “tell them to stop screaming”, do nothing but put distance between us and our struggling little ones.

This term, “terrible twos”, sets us up for failure because we then go into this stage of our little one’s life expecting it to be terrible.

Put yourself in your toddler’s shoes. It’s hard. Imagine thinking the world is ending because you got given a red cup instead of a blue cup. Or because you couldn’t put your shoes on correctly one day. Everything is a big deal to a toddler. Try to empathise.

Calling toddlers “terrible twos” means that we’re accepting the notion that they are terrible by choice, which is not true. They are just doing what is natural at this stage of their life.

How to deal with my toddler's first 'no', and the concept of the terrible twos

Intransigence in the toddler years is par for the course. Unii explains how to cope.