Ever since you were a small child, you’ve been aware that you had a rather sensitive, nervous temperament. The sound of the door slamming would make you jump, a frightening scene in a movie would lead to you cowering behind the sofa, and if someone was to even slightly raise their voice, you would be brought to tears!

Now that you’re an adult, you’ve learned to not be so triggered – for the most part! However, you’ve come to find that parenthood has brought about new triggers, and is pushing your buttons in ways you didn’t know were possible. You love your kids, and you love family life, but you’re finding parenting a bit of a challenge because you just can’t seem to stop being triggered.

If you can relate to this example, then you’re one of millions of parents who struggle with this type of problem. While some parents can naturally remain more calm and unbothered, others will fall victim to having their feathers ruffled several times a day.

Although learning to be more grounded can be a lifelong journey, it can be helpful to understand more about triggers, and what causes them.

So, as a parent, what do you need to know about triggers?

What do I need to know about triggers?

Triggers can be either universal or unique. As mentioned, some people are much more sensitive and become bothered by things others would not, like loud noise. However, there are other triggers which are considered to be more universal. That is, that they tend to affect most people, regardless of their temperament. For example, grief, chronic pain, or exhaustion.

Triggers can be chronic or acute. Triggers also come on a spectrum, in terms of how long they are likely to go on for. While some people accept that they will live with a chronic trigger such as a history of trauma or a permanent disability for the rest of their lives, others will be able to see an end in sight. People who are affected by a chronic trigger will tend to be much more sensitive than they would have been originally.

The more frequently your buttons are triggered, the more easily they can be triggered in the future. A great way to understand this is to think about the example of a child learning an instrument. As the child slowly learns to read the music and play each note, their brain will eventually become so good at coordinating what they see and what they do with their hands that they barely even think about it. It becomes natural. This is exactly the same for a person who has had their buttons triggered. If those same buttons are triggered again and again over time, their body will get used to this and will launch into a reaction without consciously realising it.

Some triggers are about you, while some are about others. What we mean by this is that some triggers are purely based on what is happening in the depths of your mind or body at that particular moment. Conversely, some triggers are based on others around you. Like family, friends, neighbours, colleagues, etc.

You can have some amount of control over some triggers, but for others you might have little or no control. We all like to think that we have complete control over the way that we do or do not respond to others. But the truth is that sometimes we can’t! For example, you may not be able to control the way you may wince at your child’s sudden and piercing cry, but you can control how often you pick up the phone to your friend who never stops complaining.

Triggers change with time. Triggers don’t always affect a person in the same way forever. For example, if a certain person, dynamic, or issue used to really rile you up, you might reach a place where that is no longer a concern. For example, feeding your child might make you feel stressed or worried, but over time you will get used to this activity and won’t be affected in the same way.

Positive experiences can also be triggers. Although one wouldn’t expect joyous events like having a baby, getting a promotion or moving house to trigger negative emotion, they can actually create a lot of pressure. This is because with these events comes increased expectations, fear of failure, changes in relationships, and so on.

Your coping skills can trigger you or activate other triggers. Many of us like to pour ourselves a glass of wine or have a light scroll on our smartphones when we feel stressed. But although these behaviours help us feel better in the moment, they tend to trigger other issues later down the line, like chronic exhaustion or weight gain.

Parenting can be a trigger. People don’t like to think of their children as ‘triggers’, but parenting is an experience that can reveal a lot of vulnerabilities within an individual. Becoming a parent might even contribute to you finding yourself reflecting on events of your childhood that you hadn’t thought about in years.

How to know your triggers

Empower yourself by recognising what makes you upset.