Your little one has been more than a little cheeky and mischievous all day, and despite your many attempts to stay calm, it’s becoming very hard not to get annoyed. Eventually, they say something that really tips you over the edge – something that triggers certain uncomfortable emotions – and you shout angrily, before withdrawing into a chilly silence. Immediately, your toddler starts to cry and then, between teary gulps, you hear them mutter three heartbreaking words, “I . . . hate . . . you.”

In these moments, it can feel like any sense of partnership you and your child have built has been swept away by an icy wind, irretrievably lost, gone forever. You feel guilt and anger in equal measure, and judging by your child’s face, they’re pretty angry themselves.

So what has happened to trigger this response?

There’s a lot of societal pressure on parents to remain unfailingly empathic, to always stay calm and to never allow their support to waver. But this simply isn’t possible. In fact, it contradicts what it is to be human. We’re supposed to feel all the emotions under the sun, and so should your child, because the darker feelings not only make the lighter ones shine brighter, they also allow us to learn and change.

So when their behaviour is highly annoying or they trigger something inside you, you feel provoked and potentially insecure. The relationship doesn’t feel like a secure place to retreat to, and nor does your inner space, resulting in an emotional blow-up.

Although it may feel horrible in the moment, know that this reaction is entirely normal and okay!

Now, while we’re not advocating regular arguments and emotional outbursts, we do actually believe there are certain advantages to these momentary breakdowns in partnership.

Why are arguments and emotional blow-ups not necessarily a bad thing?

Parental outbursts teach children that their parents have access to a whole host of feelings and emotions. When they themselves feel similar emotions, they’ll know that this is normal.

Similarly, a parent’s outburst lets the child know that it’s okay to lose control once in a while.

In an atmosphere where their every need is met and there’s zero conflict, children don’t learn how to act or feel when they experience spontaneous and difficult emotions. We don’t want to deprive them of these important opportunities to learn about their deeper, darker emotions, so let them see us emote, and let them emote too.

If a parent always presents total control and immaculate behaviour, there’s a definite pressure on the child to do the same. But toddlers are volatile creatures. It’s healthy for them to feel and express a host of different emotions and see us do the same.

Sometimes toddler behaviour is simply annoying and often unacceptable. The occasional outburst from an otherwise loving and calm parent teaches them that there are consequences for misbehaviour that they won’t like.

Toddlerhood is a great time to learn all of these lessons, but it’s also a useful time to learn how to make up and protect the partnership you have built.

How do I make up with my toddler after a fight?

A parent’s anger is almost always scary and uncomfortable for a child, but language can be an enormous help because it enables parent and child to have a discussion about what has happened. So, after a breakdown in communication:

Explain to your child how Mummy or Daddy felt. Though their sense of security has been momentarily shaken, helping them find meaning in the difficult experience prevents any permanent damage.

Then ask your child how they felt. Actively listen to what they have to say and acknowledge their feelings, even if they bring up feelings of guilt within you.

Reassure them that they are loved even when you are angry. And absolutely make sure to let them know you love them, especially after you have shouted or stormed off. Give them a comforting cuddle and then find an enjoyable task you can get on with together.

What if I ‘lose it’ because of personal reasons and my child’s behaviour becomes a pretext for an emotional outburst?

Apologise. In this case, telling your child “I am sorry” spares them any shame they might be feeling, reassures them that they are not to blame and builds their self-esteem right back up. But make sure to be sincere in your apology. It’s not something you can simply say to alleviate guilt.

Making up after episodes of conflict teaches your child not only that your love is unconditional, but also that it’s possible to rebuild and protect relationships even after a breakdown.

How to make up after a fight with my child

Be a peacemaking parent with Unii's tips.