Your kids are quarrelling and neither of them are listening to you. You feel the anger and frustration rising and are so close to losing your temper. You begin to think to yourself - Why can’t the kids just do what they’re told and give me a break?

Losing your temper with a couple of misbehaved kids is an unfortunate but very normal part of parenthood. The minute we get triggered, our nervous systems prepare us for fight-flight or freeze and stress hormones are released, which tend to dominate our behaviour. If we’re not aware that we’ve slipped into this reactive-survival mode, it’s very easy to completely explode at our kids.

However, while it can be (very) hard to keep your cool in times of intense stress, practising the art of presence and self-awareness during heated moments will help you tremendously with managing your tendency to react.

The key to calming down an activated nervous system is noticing. The moment you notice that you’re about to lose your temper, you can do something about it.

Ideally, you want to catch yourself before you’ve lost your temper, but the truth is, you can stop yourself at any point during your freak-out moment. As neuroscientist Dan Siegal describes, our most explosive moments happen in stages: Trigger, Transition, Immersion and Recovery. Understanding these stages may help you to become more aware of what’s happening in triggering situations and give you a greater ability to respond in a more balanced and measured way.

What are the four stages of “losing your temper”?

Stage 1: Trigger. Something has triggered you. It could be your kids' fighting, the anniversary of a relative's death, news of political conflict, or an offhand comment from your spouse. You may be highly triggered or just slightly triggered and it may last for a few minutes or a few hours. Or maybe you’ve felt highly activated for months or even years now. You may be aware that your buttons get pushed easily, or you haven’t a clue. Either way, this is about recognising the signs. In what ways does the trigger show up in your body and mind? It may be that your chest feels tight or your throat closes up. It could be that certain thoughts pop up or your tone of voice becomes short and snappy. Everyone’s signs are different; you don’t need to change or fix them, just know that they are there telling you that you’re activated.

Stage 2: Transition. Perhaps your kids have misbehaved one too many times and you’re noticing the tell-tell signs we just mentioned. This is the beginning of the transition stage when you’re moving from just about to lose your temper to losing your temper. This is when the nervous system starts rapidly readying us for fight, flight or freeze - muscles tense, heartbeat quickens, breath gets shallow and you may feel yourself getting twitchy. For many people, the transition stage does not last long before becoming immersed in reaction mode, which is when you’ve fully lost your temper. On the other hand, if you notice these physical responses to the trigger and take time to breathe, slow down the breath and get out of the reactive mind, you can avoid the Immersion stage - which is ultimately what we’re aiming for.

Stage 3: Immersion. When you’re in the immersion stage, you’ve lost your temper. It’s where you have become completely immersed in your reactivity and are overwhelmed by negative thoughts and emotions. The immersion stage can feel like “here we go again”, “they always do this” or “this is never going to change.” Once you’re in this stage, you see things through a filter that assumes the worst about whatever or whoever it is. Even though you know on some level that screaming and throwing TV remotes across the room isn’t helping, once you get going, it’s hard to stop. It can become impossible to resolve conflict thoughtfully and carefully. The adult brain has shut down and the limbic system (our inner toddler) has started running the show. And as we know, toddlers don’t always make the best choices.

Stage 4: Recovery. This stage can be referred to as the aftermath of losing your temper. You may feel guilty, embarrassed or regretful of your behaviour and the words spoken during the immersion stage. It can be a time of self-flection and repenting for your sins. It’s when you’ve pulled yourself together and reconnected with your kids. However, because this is a time when you may still feel quite tender and vulnerable, you are also more susceptible to your buttons being pushed and can lose your temper all over again.

Now we’ve explained the stages that help you know when you’re about to lose your temper. In part 2, we are going to share some strategies to help you navigate these triggering moments and avoid losing your temper and exploding in ways that you end up regretting.

How to notice when you're about to lose your temper (Part 1)

Unii pinpoints when to keep calm and carry on.