When your little one grabs a toy from another child, we think they’re being naughty, and we tell them off. When they pull a leaf from an unsuspecting houseplant, we think they’re being destructive and tell them to stop. When they repeatedly knock objects off the table, we think they’re trying to wind us up, and we place them in time-out.

You may be thinking that all sounds about right. But we’re not so sure.

So what’s wrong with this?

If we react to behaviours this way, we aren’t helping our kids understand the world around them or teaching them how to behave. In fact, we're only confusing them.

But why can immediately telling toddlers off confuse them?

If we try and see things from our toddler’s perspective, we quickly realise that they simply grabbed the toy because they wanted it right away, they pulled the leaf down because there was something exciting and new in their environment, and they wanted to explore it right away, and they’re pushing items off the table to see what happens – the noise the object makes when it hits the ground and the reactions of their parents. When we tell them off or put them in time-out, they’re left confused and likely upset, not understanding why what they did was wrong when they simply acted upon impulse.

Once we’ve understood this, we can react to them and their behaviours in ways that make much more sense, in a way that teaches them something or removes the threat of hurt or damage. We can calmly head towards the two children and help them to share the toy, initially remove the plant and then teach them to care for it and place a few drop-friendly items on the table for them to play with and then show them how to be extra careful with precious items.

On top of this, seeing from their perspective essentially allows us to act as their translator – a toddler-whisperer if you will.

So now that we can appreciate the usefulness of seeing from your little one’s perspective let’s find out how we go about doing this.

So how do we see from our child’s perspective?

To help us understand how to see from a toddler’s perspective, let’s use an example that’s probably happened to you many a time. You’re sitting at the table having dinner when suddenly your toddler pushes their plate forward, and it falls to the floor, and the plate’s contents spill everywhere.

Stop. Your initial reaction is probably to let out a big sigh and, with an angry look on your face, say, “No!” Instead, stop and take a deep breath.

Observe without judgement. And now, instead of thinking, they’re so naughty, making all this mess for me to clean up, try to let that go and free your mind of judgement.

Think like a toddler. Now put yourself in your toddler’s shoes. Why might they have done this? Maybe they didn’t like the food? They ate rather a lot before they tossed the plate, so I don’t think it’s that. Maybe they’re full? Yes, I think that’s it!

Be their translator. “Hmm, I wonder why you did that? Are you trying to tell me you’re all finished with your food?”

React accordingly. Based on their behaviour and reaction to your thinking aloud, you can then go about reacting. As you pick the plate up, you can tell them in a calm tone that next time all they need to do is let you know they’re full. When they’ve calmed down, have them help you clean up the mess, teaching them about responsibility and cause-and-effect thinking. But don’t scold and lecture!

Allow all feelings, not all behaviours. You may be thinking, but if I react to everything in this way, I might not step in in time to keep them or someone else from getting hurt. And of course, if that’s the case, you must absolutely react quickly. When you step in to keep two children from fighting or shout to your child to stay away from the road, you must do so to keep them safe. But you should explain to them afterwards why this was necessary to help them understand what’s going on and why. “It’s okay for you to disagree, but I can’t let you hit your sister because it hurts. There, do you see she’s crying now?”

How to see things from a toddler's perspective?

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