You’ve just got home from picking your little one up from school, and on the journey home, they are begging you to go to the shops to buy some sweets. You gently tell them no, but they keep persisting, and you can tell they are on the verge of tears. Then, almost instinctively, in order to avoid an argument, you say - “Sorry, darling, we can’t get sweets because the shop is closed on Thursdays”. While your child is appeased by that answer, you can’t help but feel guilty. Is it bad that I lied to my child? Will all these lies have any lasting effect on them?

Firstly, if this example resonates with you, don’t be too harsh on yourself! Virtually every parent has lied to their child at some point, so rest assured that parental lying is incredibly common.

That being said, while there are many harmless and potentially even healthy lies, some kinds of dishonesty should be avoided.

In this article, we will discuss which types of lying are acceptable, which can be harmful, and how they can negatively affect your child in the long run.

So, first, which kinds of lying are generally considered to be acceptable?

When is it acceptable to lie to my child?

During play. If you’re having a tea party with your child, and some imaginary characters are invited, then it’s perfectly okay to engage in the make-believe.

If they are too young to cope with difficult news. Suppose that your neighbour’s house was burgled last night, and your toddler, who gets scared at night, asks you about it. In this situation, if you think your child is too young to deal with this news, then it is okay to tell them that no one was burgled.

About fictional characters. Entertaining fictional characters such as Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, or the Tooth Fairy are generally acceptable lies. However, make sure that you don’t use these characters in threats. Also, when your child becomes suspicious, try not to elongate the fantasy for too long, or it may affect their trust in you.

When is it unacceptable to lie to my child, and why?

Disciplinary lies

Lying to discipline your child is one of the most common ways in which parents are dishonest. This kind of lie can be for the purpose of encouragement - “If you don’t eat your greens then you won’t grow taller” - or discouragement - “If you watch too much TV then your eyes will go square!”.

In either case, we advise that you refrain from lying for disciplinary purposes. One reason for this is that, when they discover that you’re lying in order to get them to do something, they may then revert to doing the original unwanted behaviour. For instance, when your child realises that watching TV doesn’t make their eyes go square, they may not understand why they shouldn’t watch it all the time.

Not only that, but when you next tell your child why they should or shouldn’t do something, they are less likely to believe you, even if what you are saying is true!

Over-shielding lies

It can be difficult to judge when and when not to lie in order to protect your child from difficult or hard-hitting news or even truths about life, such as illness and death. While we know that parents only use these lies out of care and love, it is a healthy habit to answer your child’s questions honestly once they are of an appropriate age.

For example, if someone in your family is seriously ill, and your child asks about them, it is best to be gently honest with them (as long as they are old enough to understand). It is OK to soften the topic with a light-hearted tone, but try to avoid outright lies such as - “don’t worry, they’re completely fine.”

If you shield your child from hard truths too frequently, then your little one may become overly sensitive and resistant to life’s difficulties. It is important that your child learns that life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows - otherwise, when they later realise that you were shielding them all along, they are more likely to have a pessimistic outlook on life.

Convenient lies

Sometimes, as parents, we can get our way by using lies that seem so trivial and harmless. For instance, we may tell our child that they can’t have pizza tonight because we don’t have any, when really there are 6 lying in the freezer! For the sake of avoiding an inevitable argument, it is completely understandable why parents use these kinds of lies so often.

However, it is best to avoid lying out of convenience. Even though it may seem foolproof at the time, your child will eventually work out if you’ve been lying about something - even if it’s a few years down the line! The issue is that your child may learn this behaviour from you. If they notice your frequent little lies, they will begin to think that it’s okay for them to lie in order to get their way.

Also, if these lies are said too often, you lose an opportunity to teach your children certain lessons. In this case, you could tell your child why it’s good to eat foods that are healthier than pizza, even when you have them in the freezer.

Is it ever acceptable to lie to my child?

White lies? Complex truths? It can be hard to know what's in their best interest.