Your partner snapped at you in a much harsher tone than usual, and you’re feeling a little more reactive than you usually are after a terrible night’s sleep. You want to snap back in a harsher, louder tone, but you’re aware that your toddler is watching you. As the tension builds between you and your partner, you wonder if you should have an argument when you’re both alone; should you spare your child the distress of seeing you fight? Or should you just have it out in front of them?

It all depends on the severity of the fight. A common argument where two people get angry with each other and then ‘make up’ can actually be a healthy experience for your toddler to observe. Let’s explore some reasons why.

Why can fights be beneficial for your toddler to observe?

Children know what’s best for them. Even when tempers get out of hand, what children value the most is being kept in the loop. Sharing with your toddler what the fight is about and how you resolve things teaches your child how to have conflict in a healthy way.

Arguing teaches your child that you can express what you’re feeling in a healthy way. Using emotional language such as “I’m hurt” and “I’m angry”, allows your child to see that feeling a whole variety of emotions is a very normal part of life.

There is nothing worse to a toddler than sensing tension that they don’t understand. Toddlers are very perceptive to cold silences and unspoken tensions that can come through in snappy, sarcastic tones. Having angry words spoken out in the open helps your little one understand what’s happening.

When feelings are hidden, your little one can feel something is wrong, but they don’t know what it is. This is why you’ve probably noticed your toddler become irritable when you and your partner are angry with each other whilst trying not to show it. Having a visible argument in front of your toddler shows your toddler that it is OK and safe to express your feelings.
When toddlers observe you and your partner argue and make up (providing the argument does not get out of hand), this teaches your child about the cycle of fighting and reconciliation as they witness their two caregivers model this process for them in a clear, open way.

On the other hand, if you and your partner have a fight that involves big violent reactions such as throwing or punching things, this can be very damaging for your toddler and here’s why.

What if your argument gets out of hand?

Some fights are so emotionally charged and bitter that your toddler is not equipped to cope. Fights like this can be damaging for your child:

This kind of fight can terrify your little one as the trust they have in you as a caring parent is seriously shaken up.
A violent fight may cause your toddler to become afraid that you don’t love each other anymore and therefore worry that you will leave each other and leave them without love and safety.

Witnessing you at your worst and most frightening can seriously traumatise your child into thinking that they cannot trust or rely on you as a caregiver.
Completely immersed in screaming rage and even hatred towards your partner can evoke deep fears of abandonment and loss of love.

Your child’s very existence is threatened by these huge explosive arguments and calls for you and your partner’s commitment to reconciling your differences in a constructive rather than destructive way.

What strategies can help your toddler feel safe during a fight?

Be as honest as you can with your toddler. At this age, your child is extremely sensitive and perceptive so try including them as much as possible in the process of fighting and making up. You could say, “sometimes I feel hurt and upset with daddy, so I shout at him, but we always make up in the end because we love each other”. This will help your child understand this cycle in a healthy way.

Keep reassuring your child that both you and your partner love them very much and show them that they are safe. Your toddler needs to know that fights do not mean anything bad will happen to them.

Stay in your own emotions by communicating how you feel. Recognise unhealthy patterns such as name-calling, sarcasm and dismissing your partner’s feelings. Even though you’re triggered, do your best to really hear your partner. This teaches your toddler how to have conflict in a healthy way.
Show your toddler how much you love your partner and normalise the process of fighting and making up. (Violent fights, however, should definitely not be normalised).

If you do end up completely “losing it” with your partner, then turn your attention to what happens after the fight. Acknowledge your toddler’s fear and apologise to them.

After a big fight, have a family hug and reassure them that you and your partner will try to act in more loving ways next time. What you do after the fight can be a soothing remedy to an experience you wish you could undo but cannot.

Always let your toddler see you resolve things. Regardless of how intense the argument is, it’s crucial that your toddler sees that you and your partner have “kissed and made up”. This involves taking ownership of your own behaviour and admitting to your child where you could have handled something differently.

Is it OK to fight with my partner in front of my toddler?

You might want to compartmentalise this area of your life, explains Unii.