Your kids are having a fairly tame argument about their current favourite toy, an old Barbie doll, but these little squabbles happen rather a lot and somehow, you always end up involved.

“Daddy? It’s my turn! Tell him it’s my turn.”

You think to yourself - Surely they can solve this one on their own? Why do they need me to tell them to share? But am I a bad parent if I just ignore their whining and let them sort it out without me?

A lot of parents feel guilty ignoring their kid’s unwanted behaviours, but sometimes it’s actually helpful for you to do so.

Why is selectively ignoring my child’s behaviour useful?

Before we cover why selective ignoring can be helpful, we’d like to quickly stress that it is the behaviour and not the child that we choose to ignore (it helps to bear this in mind if the idea makes you feel a little guilty).

Now, sometimes, when a child misbehaves, we think that lectures and tellings-off will help, but in reality, we’re just encouraging them by giving the behaviour more attention. In this case, selective ignoring will prove very helpful.

Similarly, by ignoring certain behaviours, we can teach a child to respect the limits of a parent’s job. Parents aren’t there to solve every single problem, and if they do, children will struggle to gain independence, so we need to set some limits and step back every once in a while.

So when should you step back and leave them to it?

When should I selectively ignore my child’s behaviour?

Ignore smallies. By ‘smallies’, we mean behaviours that might be annoying but aren’t causing anyone or anything any harm, and if left unchecked, won’t lead to a bigger problem. For example, a petty argument over who gets to play with the Barbie doesn’t need your attention. You can let these childish irresponsibilities self-correct with time and maturity.

Don’t ignore biggies. So, by now you’ll have probably figured out what we deem a biggie. Biggies are problems that require your stepping in, so any instance where someone might get hurt or something is at risk of being damaged.

So, now that we covered why and when selective ignoring can be useful, let’s get right to it and find out how best to go about it.

How do I effectively selectively ignore my child?

Ignore the behaviour, not the child. Make sure that it’s the behaviour you are selectively ignoring and not your child. Let’s say your little one isn’t the best conversationalist and they have a habit of cutting in, what we’re hoping to achieve is for them to say “excuse me”. But they’ll struggle to learn this if we immediately acknowledge what they’re saying, even if it is to tell them off. So ignore the cutting in and wait until they join the conversion appropriately.

Readily acknowledge desired behaviours. Ignoring unwanted behaviours will work best if you acknowledge desired ones. So, when your child says “excuse me”, listen to what they have to say, and if they happily share their Barbie, let them know how pleased it makes you.

Remember, ignore smallies, not biggies. If there really is something wrong – let’s say they're crying from a fall, or pulling on the dog’s tail – step in and help, or put a stop to it. The aim isn’t to ignore behaviours we don’t want to deal with, but rather to discipline in such a way that our kids learn something from selective ignoring.

Is selectively ignoring my child a useful discipline tactic?

Unii looks at this sometimes challenging method of making a child behave.