For as long as you can remember, your biggest dream has been to become a mum. Even as a teenager, while all your friends were concentrating on university, partying, and dating, all you could think about was your future life as a mother to three beautiful children - a boy and two girls, to be exact!

Looking back at your teenage dreams, you can now recognise that life doesn’t always pan out exactly as you planned. Nevertheless, your dream of becoming a mum hasn’t gone away, and you still very much want your picture frame of a family of 5 to become a reality. And low and behold, you are now pregnant with your first child!

As much as you’re trying not to fantasise about what parenthood will be like, you can’t help but imagine that the baby will turn out to be a girl - just like you’d planned.

It’s totally normal to fantasise about your future child and what their gender will turn out to be. However, it’s important to take note that many of us will play out our greatest hopes, wishes and fears onto our future children and that our fantasies about them will be intensified by our yearning for what a future family ‘should’ look like.

So, here are some things to think about if you find yourself fantasising about the gender of your baby:

Be aware of idealisation. In psychology, idealisation happens when a person thinks up a high-gloss vision of their future. While this makes us happy in the moment, it’s important to note that idealisation carries the danger of unrealistic expectations for what real life will actually turn out to be. We’re not telling you to stop daydreaming, but keep a handle on the realities of real life, too.

Your yearning for a particular gender might be linked to your own childhood. For example, if you desperately want a girl, this could be related to the fact that you’re replaying memories from your own childhood, and imagining your child as a future mini-me or best friend. Conversely, if you find yourself yearning for a little boy, this could be linked to having a good relationship with your little brother growing up or a difficult relationship with your mother or sister, for example.

Remember that the sex of your baby doesn’t guarantee their interests or sexual orientation. It may be easy to assume that if your child is a girl they will enjoy shopping and hate sports, but the reality could be the complete opposite!

Whether your baby is the gender you hoped for or not, you will love them just the same!

When it comes to learning the sex of your baby, it’s important to understand the pros and cons of learning this news first. Here are some points to think about for both:

What are the pros and cons of learning the sex of your baby?

Pros:

The news may help you feel more in control during the pregnancy.
The news may make the pregnancy feel more real or may help you feel more emotionally attached to your baby.
The news may help you make choices surrounding baby clothing.
The news will give you more time to decide on the baby’s name.
The news will give you time to cope with any disappointment you may feel at the baby not being the gender you originally hoped for.

Cons:

If the news disappoints you, you’ll have to sit with this for a while. Whereas, if you find out at the birth, you’ll have a lot of other things to focus on!

You’ll have to deal with other people’s reactions and feelings if you decide to tell them the sex.

You may find it stressful to find out the sex of the baby and then decide not to tell others.

You’ll miss out on the surprise of finding out the sex at the birth.

Learning the sex of your baby

It's not for everyone and can divide couples. Here's how to navigate the gender reveal.