Tragically, and sometimes despite the best medical treatment, a baby is too premature or ill to survive. Nothing anyone can do or say can alleviate its parents' pain when this happens. Feelings of deep sadness, guilt, and even anger are to be expected. The doctors and nurses in the NICU are trained to deal with them sensitively and won’t rush any decision about what happens next.

Saying Goodbye

Spending time cuddling your baby in a quiet place away from intensive care is very important for many parents, and you should never feel that you are being hurried. You might like to bathe him and dress him, or you may prefer to have the nurses do that. The baby can stay with you overnight if you wish before being taken to the mortuary or you may be asked if you would like to spend time with your baby in a children's hospice. This is likely to be a more peaceful and less hurried place; if he goes to the mortuary, you can come back to visit him later.

For some families, it will be important to see the hospital chaplain or a religious leader, and this can be arranged by the nurses. For others, they may prefer to invite their own chaplain to visit and say prayers.

If your baby is not having a postmortem, you may like to ask the nurses in the unit if you can take him home or to a hospice before the funeral. This may be a time when you would like the extended family to visit and say goodbye. It’s also an opportunity for siblings to cuddle him and understand that he has died.

Keepsakes

Many parents like to have photos taken of their baby, particularly if he has lived only for a very short time and they have not had a chance to take many photos themselves.

It can be comforting to gather a collection of memories of your baby to be able to look at and touch in the years to come. These may include his handprints and footprints, a lock of hair, the cot labels, blankets, the cuddly toy that was in the incubator with him, wristbands, and clothes he wore.

Why did my baby die?

Your consultant may ask you if you would like a post mortem to be carried out in order to find out more about the cause of death. Unless your baby died unexpectedly and the coroner has requested a postmortem, the decision about whether one is carried out will be yours to make. The procedure will be fully explained, and you will be asked to sign a consent form to show that you have understood.

What about the funeral?

The hospital can arrange the funeral, if that is what you would like, or you can arrange this yourselves. Sometimes undertakers will agree to provide a funeral for a baby tree of change.

Siblings may like to be involved with the planning of the funeral and may want to leave something special they have chosen with the baby. If they do want to do this, make sure it's not something they will miss later. If they come to the funeral, it is helpful to arrange for a friend or relative to be there for them so that they can take them out if it becomes too much for them.

Medical support for mum

Your consultant will offer you a chance to meet up in a few days or weeks to check how you are, let you know the results of the postmortem if one was carried out, and answer any questions you may have.

If you were breastfeeding or expressing milk for your baby, your supply wouldn't stop right away. However, your doctor can prescribe some medicine that will make this happen more quickly.

Emotional support for parents

Nothing compares to the relationship between parent and child and the death of your baby is likely to cause overwhelming grief. When you leave the NNU you will be given information about where to seek bereavement support. Your consultant will arrange to see you a few weeks later to see how you are and whether you have any questions. She will also be able to recommend where to seek emotional support, such as counselling and local groups. Your GP may also be very helpful and can refer you for more specialist help if needed.

Whether you seek out bereavement counselling or you prefer to turn to family and friends for help, remember to be kind to yourself and give yourself time to grieve.

Losing Your Premature Baby

Unii’s Premature Babies Journey shares what happens when a premature baby dies after birth.