You're abroad on holiday, your child’s first time out of the country. As you come out of the airport, you’re greeted with sunny skies and vibrant culture. But your child is confused, even annoyed. They ask why the people ‘talk wrong’ and then make a comment about their skin colour. Your face goes red with embarrassment. How do I talk to my child about their comments? Do I confront them, or just ignore it? How can I talk to my child about their xenophobic language?

The world is a big place, and that is reflected in the vast number of diverse cultures. But adjusting to this fact can be hard for some children. If it seems too new and confusing, they might comment on it, sometimes sounding borderline offensive. But this is quite normal behaviour, a lot of children are resistant to new things. What we can do is develop strategies to help us communicate with our children, without it coming across as telling them off.

Before we take a look at why children may make xenophobic comments, let’s explore what xenophobia looks like.

What does xenophobia look like?

If a child is displaying one or more of these 4 patterns of behaviour, you may want to consider talking to them about their comments:

They reject other cultures and are overly critical of them.

They are rude to people because the person is from a different culture.

The child makes sweeping statements about a culture that can be insulting.

They use racist, homophobic, and other discriminatory language.

This can happen once, or repeatedly. But let’s have a look at why a child may develop these behaviours.

Why may children speak like this?

Here are the 4 main reasons why a child might make xenophobic comments:

They fear the unknown. It’s a common response to shun unfamiliar things they don’t understand.

A new experience might lead to a moment of overload, when they’re not fully in control of how they say things - they merely express the first thing that comes into their head.

A lack of empathy. They may simply not understand how their comments and actions affect people.

They might have a lack of nuance. Maybe they wanted to ask an innocent question, but the phrasing came out wrong.

Just remember, there are no bad children, only bad behaviours! Now that we know why children might say xenophobic things, let’s have a look at how we talk to them about it.

How can I help my child understand their comments?

Let’s look at the top strategies to help your child:

If you’re going abroad, prepare children for the differences in culture. You can do this by introducing them to books, films, and videos about the specific culture.

Try not to let on that you’ll be disappointed if they say certain things. Some children will see it as a challenge, to get a response out of you!

When they do make a discriminatory comment, try not to use a big response. Use neutral language, showing that the child will not be rewarded with you giving them unnecessary attention. However, still make it clear that such comments are unacceptable, without showing that you’re hurt or upset. For example, “That is an offensive thing to say. People may have a problem if you carry on talking in that way.”

Consider the intent behind it. If the child is just asking a question, but wording it wrong, let them know how they can phrase it better in the future. For example, “Some people might think your comment is unkind, let me tell you how to say it next time, so nobody gets upset.”

Try to use an empathetic response instead of giving them a history lesson or telling them off. Instead, if your child says they hate a certain group of people, you could exclaim, “gosh! That’s a lot of people! It must be scary to have so much hate inside you!”

Give them a second chance to respond. Saying “shall we give that another go?” can signal to the child they’ve said something out of line, without telling them off.

Sometime after the comment, you may want to do some reflection time with them. Do some research to answer their (poorly worded) comment, and wonder aloud what they were feeling when they said those things. You’ll be surprised at the honesty that a child will answer with!

So, now you have all the tools and strategies you need to help your child consider what they’re saying and how they say it.

My child made a xenophobic comment. How can I stop this behaviour?

Unii looks at how to stop this troubling behaviour.