Conscious parenting is a style defined by Indian clinical psychologist Dr. Shefali Tsabary in her book Conscious Parenting. Truly (Yellow Kite, 2015) conscious behaviour is complex, and the author states that becoming a truly conscious parent does not happen overnight. This article looks at some principles you can keep in mind to take you closer to that state. Conscious parenting is not based on a set of rules for the child but parental self-investigation and a system of beliefs that govern the parent’s behaviour. In this way, it is unique among both traditional and more modern parenting styles. Here are some examples of key conscious parenting considerations.

You must accept the madness of your parenting journey.

Nowhere is it written that parenting is designed to be organised or self-fulfilling all the time. Acknowledging that parenting is a crazy journey that requires extreme emotional, psychological, and physical investment takes you that bit closer to parenting consciously. You must also accept that parenting will alter your fundamental beliefs about yourself forever and grow comfortable with that.

Prioritise connection with your child as a person over controlling them as an authority figure.

Relating to your child as a human being is an essential part of conscious parenting. Your child does not exist to fulfil your unrealised dreams or achieve your goals, so why seek to control their behaviour for the sake of them? Conscious parenting asks you to parent without ego, embracing the fact that your child is a unique individual whose development that you are meant to guide and support, not control for your own reasons. Connecting with your child on a personal level will achieve this far more quickly than controlling them through rules and other authoritarian behaviours.

Understand what your child is trying to express through their behaviour.

Open communication with your child is crucial to conscious parenting. In this context, it’s useful to remember that all behaviour is communication of sorts. Conscious parents believe that heavy-handed responses to negative behaviour tend to backfire. What is your child expressing through behaviour that is at odds with your example? When you are raising a child, you are not raising a'mini me,’ but a “spirit throbbing with its own signature.” You should not project onto your children what you want or hope for yourself. Similarly, behaviour that displeases you could be expressing an unmet need or something your child feels unable to verbalise. An example of this might be a child who is never properly prepared for a tennis lesson, as though purposefully trying to delay it, no matter how often you explain the orderly behaviour you expect from them. What is this child trying to tell you about their tennis lessons?

Focus on your child’s needs before your own desires for them.

Your child does not exist to appease your ego, and once we as parents have covered their fundamental needs, there will be others that can take more work to meet. This does not mean that you need to say ‘yes’ to every request your child makes. Your advanced age allows you to distinguish between needs and desires, whether they are communicated verbally or through body language. The most important thing is to be present with your child and accurately assess their needs. Conversations with other caregivers and teachers can also help. While your relationship with your child is more important than the interactions they have with other adults, we all typically present different versions of ourselves outside the home, and our language and behaviours are no less revealing for this.

Be aware of cultural trends that may make your obstacles different from those your own parents faced.

You will raise your child differently than how you yourself were parented, as will the parents of every other little one in your child’s orbit. Understanding contemporary parenting styles, cultural trends, and the latest in family wellbeing education (as found on unii.com) will keep you attuned with what your child experiences outside of the home.

Keep asking yourself, “What is being asked of me as a parent right now?”

As mentioned above, we should not raise our children from a hierarchical point of view but instead seek to connect with them as fellow humans. Consciousness informs a parent—moment by moment—how to go about the task of parenting, as your dynamic is circular. Examine your beliefs and do not force them on your child where they are more about your personal goals or backstory than your little one’s safety, wellbeing, or ability to flourish.

Keep asking yourself, “What about me is my child triggering right now?”

Conscious parenting is not about feeling wonderfully zen about your child’s behaviour, especially when you don’t like it. Even the calmest parent is exasperated by your child, and it’s OK to acknowledge that aloud. Your child will respond to your attempt to connect with them in a genuine way. A negative response to your child is also an opportunity to increase your self-knowledge. If you are inauthentic, you will have trouble teaching your child to be authentic. If we do not know ourselves, how can we teach our children to become the truest versions of themselves?

Parenting is about celebrating the development of a good human being.

Release your child from the burden of earning your approval. We are all imperfect creatures, and while certain childhood behaviours may need modification (after you’ve assessed what they are communicating and whether any underlying needs must be met), the core of your child’s being should be recognised and celebrated by his or her parents. Even when the rest of the world ridicules your child, they should be reassured they’re loved and accepted at home. This means attending a son’s fashion show when you wish him to become a footballer or supporting your daughter's desire to dress in a way that feels true to her, even if you find it odd. Conscious guidance is allowed but is not your place to dictate life fundamentals like your child’s sexuality or career and relationship choices. Even if your child continues consistently pleasing you into adulthood, conscious parenting teaches that they will wind up a person completely divorced from who they were meant to be. This is an undesirable outcome.

Parenting is a skill; don’t be embarrassed by having to learn it.

None of us give birth or attend a birth knowing how to be our child’s mother or father. You have parental instincts and what you learned growing up, but there is a lot to learn on the job when you’re a parent. In a Socrates-like way, being a wise conscious parent means understanding that there is an awful lot you do not know, that you are learning from your child, and that, in presenting you with challenges, they are encouraging you to change and grow into a better mother or father. Practice self-compassion and keep paying attention.

There’s no such thing as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ children.

Dr. Tsabary does not allow her children to see report cards at school. Your child does not need ‘fixing’ when they behave in a way that is unacceptable to you or they get a result you don’t like. You don’t fix your child; you create the conditions in which your child can thrive. Conscious parenting asks that you focus on the intention of behaviour you dislike. If your child messes up the kitchen while making you a meal, you would understand that intention as a reflection of their innate goodness. If they fare poorly in one particular class, you understand that there is something about the subject, teacher, or environment that is not allowing them to properly engage. If, on the other hand, they intended to do something wrong, you are presented with an opportunity to understand what motivated this behaviour, how you can help, and how you can guide your child towards more responsible actions.

Sit with your children’s emotions; don’t dismiss them.

The beauty of parenting is in the unknown; you don’t need to be in control at all times, and so the conscious parent observes and acknowledges their child’s emotions while treating them as information about how this unique person they’ve produced is developing.

Parenting is not about raising a happy child.

You are not responsible for your children’s happiness, nor can you make them happy even if that is your wish. None of us are meant to be happy all the time, and while you can guide your child to both self-healing and self-improving behaviours, the happiness humans achieve through self-actualisation requires their own work.

A good parent is a loving one, and it’s OK not to have all the answers.

Parenting consciously is not about getting it right all the time but about you and your child evolving and growing together. There are many questions that parents cannot answer, and that is never a sign that you are failing.

For more information on supporting your child’s wellbeing, check out Unii’s Toddler Health and Development Journey with Dr. Nisha Patel.

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